The quest for world domination can be approached in a variety of different methods. Politicians tend to apply the more economic pressures of tariffing and embargoing, whereas blood thirsty war lords like to approach the goal with weapons stockpiles and warfare threats. A gentleman, on the other hand, knows that to truly dominate the people of the earth, he simply needs to dance into their very souls and set up shop catering to man’s most innate desires, which seem to be a simple trinity of carnal pleasures, the motivation to nullify the brain through intoxication, and the basic deliciousness of food. In the below case, this gentleman prefers to focus on the latter, and walks through some logic on how he might become supreme ruler of the Earth assisted only with the luxuries of time travel.

OnceandFutureChef: if you could fuck around with a time machine
OnceandFutureChef: would you go into the future? or into the past?
OnceandFutureChef: (you can only go in one direction)
OnceandFutureChef: for instance, you could go to the future and just be shocked at all the new technology… but, you could go into the past and shock everyone else with your own knowledge of technology and shit
DizzyWizzard : definitely the past
DizzyWizzard : but not too far back where i have to compromise comfort
DizzyWizzard : id like to go far enough back where i’d be the shit with all my gizmos, but not too far back where shit sucks
DizzyWizzard : like i dont want to deal with the plague
OnceandFutureChef: i would def go to the dark ages
OnceandFutureChef: i’d “invent” things like pizza and donuts
OnceandFutureChef: become the head chef and confidante of the king and use him as my puppet for power
OnceandFutureChef: if i went into the future i would be a cave man
DizzyWizzard : hahaha
OnceandFutureChef: wouldn’t know how to work the telepathy machines
OnceandFutureChef: it would suck
DizzyWizzard : so you would go back in time and invent donuts
OnceandFutureChef: yeah, just be some super wise wizard, inventing the most delicious shit
OnceandFutureChef: hell i don’t think hamburgers were “invented” until the 50s
DizzyWizzard : invent alcohol
OnceandFutureChef: i think alcohol has been around since the dinosaurs
OnceandFutureChef: Neanderthals fermenting hooch in brontosaurus skulls and stuff. So that wouldn’t work
DizzyWizzard : you’re insane
DizzyWizzard : i like how being a chef would make you the most powerful dude in the realm
OnceandFutureChef: it would. can you imagine knowing the secrets of say Butter?
OnceandFutureChef: you’re the only guy that knows how to make butter
OnceandFutureChef: you’d be a ruler
DizzyWizzard : uh, i guess so
OnceandFutureChef: that’s how fucking Marco Polo was so big. spice trader
DizzyWizzard : well, he was also a sea fairing gent. and back then they thought the sea was filled with monsters
OnceandFutureChef: yeah
DizzyWizzard : that gave him slightly more cache
OnceandFutureChef: yeah he was the man. Importing spices and gunpowder. he was like the most powerful man in the world for a while
DizzyWizzard : but you’d just be fat and in the kitchen making shit
DizzyWizzard : not much of a swashbuckler
OnceandFutureChef: no, i would do all that shit
OnceandFutureChef: i’d invent like hot air balloon and do the spice and gun powder trading
OnceandFutureChef: it would be like magic
OnceandFutureChef: and remember, back in the day it was considered a sign of wealth to be rotund. a sign of success and wisdom
OnceandFutureChef: c’mon, being the only guy around that knows how to make french fries?
OnceandFutureChef: please, you’d be considered a god
OnceandFutureChef: fucking “invent” the meatball sub
OnceandFutureChef: be worshipped forever
DizzyWizzard : hahaha
DizzyWizzard : would you invent pizza or go straight to the pizzone?
DizzyWizzard : when would you introduce garlic butter dipping sauces?
DizzyWizzard : you’d have to stagger it all. allow their palates to adjust
OnceandFutureChef: blow their minds when we come out with the Taco
OnceandFutureChef: followed by the Burrito
OnceandFutureChef: followed by the Chalupa and so on
DizzyWizzard : what if your plan backfired and they got suspect of you and labeled you a Food Witch. They’d burn you at the stake
OnceandFutureChef: jesus you are right
DizzyWizzard : the whole town filled with the delicious fumes of your trans fat loaded gut as it roasted over an open fire
OnceandFutureChef: they would burn me alive. fucking pitchforks and torches all the way up the path to my estate
DizzyWizzard : an angry mob who no longer fear your powers cause they realize it wasnt magic. you just duped them with trans fats
OnceandFutureChef: i better rethink this fucking shit
DizzyWizzard : this is all very reminescent of an episode of ducktails in which Gyro Gearloose goes back in times and becomes the kings favorite subject thanks to his “inventions”
OnceandFutureChef: exactly
DizzyWizzard : was this whole debate inspired by that?
OnceandFutureChef: no, but i would love to see that again

  add 1  RATING: 22

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33 Responses to A Gentleman Plans a Global Takeover

  1. “OnceandFutureChef” sounds like a real simpleton. Not a gentleman at all.

  2. Claus Von Fornelious, 2nd Viscount of her Majesty the Queen

    Every good gentleman knows that the only way to travel in time is in a Time Yacht made of the finest Mohaghany. Verily, it must be fully equipped with dozens of fine spirit and women to match!

  3. I’d go back with full auto weponry and help the south win the civil war

  4. Although no women are mentioned in this post, I still fully appreciate this.

  5. Nay, Eric B, OnceandFutureChef has his finger on the pulse (the trans-fat laden, slowed down, cholesterol-corrupted pulse) of the nation.

  6. Orville J. Rupplebottom Esq.

    Time hath brought us a new year, but burdened us with the same spotty updates as in times of yore…

  7. The lack of updates is, how you say, shameful?

  8. After the near death of this site last year you tease all your fans by making an epic comeback…THEN ABANDON THE SITE AGAIN, THIS IS BULLSH*T!

  9. They’re too busy hunting for sponsorships and the almighty $$$. For shame….for shaaaame.

  10. Not again….

  11. @Skeptic – True that these guys are on the prowl for the Benjamins. Word from my friend at Warners Bros studeos is that The Foggy Monacle movie is in pre-production right now, should be out in fall 2011

  12. I feel like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill at this point. Yeah, I know, I’m ashamed to have seen it, but the Monocle (aka Julia Roberts) has broken my heart twice now, so bolix off.

  13. How in the hell can they make a movie based on this webpage? It will most likely fail worse than “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell”. Hollywood is out of ideas.

  14. I agree, while I love(d) this site, and it has provided hours of entertainment and laughs, I don’t see how it can provide 2hours(ish) of entertainment without completely losing the simple elegance of the site.

    Boo.

  15. Unsatisfied Scholar

    This is utter bullocks!! The procurers of this vicarious playground, more specifically, Mr James Jung, did in fact hint to yours truly that they were on the search for a lucrative outcome but nevertheless it is no excuse to leave the forum a desolate wasteland of what was once an almost daily pleasure and source of motivation and stimulation for fine gentlemen everywhere. Shame on you Monocle men, you have lost focus on what it means to truly be a gentleman.

  16. Sylvester Winchester

    Not AGAIN!

  17. Well. This is my last visit to this site.
    this is beyond stupid.
    good luck to all of you who will keep looking for updates.

  18. WTF are you two up to? Couldn’t agree with the comment above more.

  19. F you f you f you. Hope your getting great advertising dollars for per clicks from all of us assholes who keep coming back to see new material. Pricks. I understand it must really be alot of work to make up fake names for people, and write a paragraph to describe someone elses conversation. Sell the godamn domain to someone who will use it for fucks sake.

  20. wow, i didn’t realise that the gentlemen owed anyone updates. Why don’t the commenters bend over and this gentlemen will give you an update in your ass….wait, What?

  21. Waiting for updates, this site is great and I hope the creators can fight through whatever troubles they’re having and provide loyal fans with some premium content

  22. Sylvester Winchester

    I find the advertisements a good sign, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Again.

  23. Alas, no updates! Intolerable!

    But I, for one, take responsibility upon myself. As a gentleman, one must rise to the occasion when called upon, undertake such noble imbibing and tomfoolery and recount such actions in order to bring this site to its once magnificient glory!

    The truest amongst you will rise up to the cause, and gentlemen all over internet-land will rejoice in your escapades!

    Go forth good men, the day of the patron Saint Patrick is upon you!

  24. This is junk. Junk, I tell you. Junk.

  25. GentlemanOnTheHunt

    Such a sad sad state of affairs. Just like that one time everyone made a myspace page… left to rot. Out with the old, in with the new I tell you! May I throw out a random bit of free advertising for my oldest favorite website http://www.ehowa.com ? Yes, yes I do believe I just did!

  26. Gentlemanwithanidea

    Publish the stories in the comments.

  27. so how about an update on the foggy monacle movie please

    r u guys getting rich

  28. Totally sweet – update the ads and the layout a bit but no content.

  29. A true gentleman indeed!

    http://twitter.com/WadeFacts

  30. Check it

    http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100001569305687

  31. A gentleman’s entrance is rarely without fanfare and instantaneous adulation, but he must take care – members of the fairer sex, overtaken with the sudden burst of class and splendor, may momentarily lose their senses. The gentleman should allow the blaze of his masculine charms to settle in the eyes and minds of his audience before he can know which offers are genuine, and which are merely reflexes to his majesty.

    “I totally know what you mean. What an amazing experience, a good house party. Fucking kills. I love that shit.

    I went to a house party here a couple years ago on all kinds of mushrooms and the first girl I ran into asked me, in German, if I wanted to go in the bathroom and fuck her in the ass. My wife translated.”

  32. Karl Welzein, is that you?

  33. Man, this was an excellent website. What happened? I miss it…

    Is there anything I can do to help bring it back?

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