The quest for world domination can be approached in a variety of different methods. Politicians tend to apply the more economic pressures of tariffing and embargoing, whereas blood thirsty war lords like to approach the goal with weapons stockpiles and warfare threats. A gentleman, on the other hand, knows that to truly dominate the people of the earth, he simply needs to dance into their very souls and set up shop catering to man’s most innate desires, which seem to be a simple trinity of carnal pleasures, the motivation to nullify the brain through intoxication, and the basic deliciousness of food. In the below case, this gentleman prefers to focus on the latter, and walks through some logic on how he might become supreme ruler of the Earth assisted only with the luxuries of time travel.
OnceandFutureChef: if you could fuck around with a time machine
OnceandFutureChef: would you go into the future? or into the past?
OnceandFutureChef: (you can only go in one direction)
OnceandFutureChef: for instance, you could go to the future and just be shocked at all the new technology… but, you could go into the past and shock everyone else with your own knowledge of technology and shit
DizzyWizzard : definitely the past
DizzyWizzard : but not too far back where i have to compromise comfort
DizzyWizzard : id like to go far enough back where i’d be the shit with all my gizmos, but not too far back where shit sucks
DizzyWizzard : like i dont want to deal with the plague
OnceandFutureChef: i would def go to the dark ages
OnceandFutureChef: i’d “invent” things like pizza and donuts
OnceandFutureChef: become the head chef and confidante of the king and use him as my puppet for power
OnceandFutureChef: if i went into the future i would be a cave man
DizzyWizzard : hahaha
OnceandFutureChef: wouldn’t know how to work the telepathy machines
OnceandFutureChef: it would suck
DizzyWizzard : so you would go back in time and invent donuts
OnceandFutureChef: yeah, just be some super wise wizard, inventing the most delicious shit
OnceandFutureChef: hell i don’t think hamburgers were “invented” until the 50s
DizzyWizzard : invent alcohol
OnceandFutureChef: i think alcohol has been around since the dinosaurs
OnceandFutureChef: Neanderthals fermenting hooch in brontosaurus skulls and stuff. So that wouldn’t work
DizzyWizzard : you’re insane
DizzyWizzard : i like how being a chef would make you the most powerful dude in the realm
OnceandFutureChef: it would. can you imagine knowing the secrets of say Butter?
OnceandFutureChef: you’re the only guy that knows how to make butter
OnceandFutureChef: you’d be a ruler
DizzyWizzard : uh, i guess so
OnceandFutureChef: that’s how fucking Marco Polo was so big. spice trader
DizzyWizzard : well, he was also a sea fairing gent. and back then they thought the sea was filled with monsters
DizzyWizzard : that gave him slightly more cache
OnceandFutureChef: yeah he was the man. Importing spices and gunpowder. he was like the most powerful man in the world for a while
DizzyWizzard : but you’d just be fat and in the kitchen making shit
DizzyWizzard : not much of a swashbuckler
OnceandFutureChef: no, i would do all that shit
OnceandFutureChef: i’d invent like hot air balloon and do the spice and gun powder trading
OnceandFutureChef: it would be like magic
OnceandFutureChef: and remember, back in the day it was considered a sign of wealth to be rotund. a sign of success and wisdom
OnceandFutureChef: c’mon, being the only guy around that knows how to make french fries?
OnceandFutureChef: please, you’d be considered a god
OnceandFutureChef: fucking “invent” the meatball sub
OnceandFutureChef: be worshipped forever
DizzyWizzard : hahaha
DizzyWizzard : would you invent pizza or go straight to the pizzone?
DizzyWizzard : when would you introduce garlic butter dipping sauces?
DizzyWizzard : you’d have to stagger it all. allow their palates to adjust
OnceandFutureChef: blow their minds when we come out with the Taco
OnceandFutureChef: followed by the Burrito
OnceandFutureChef: followed by the Chalupa and so on
DizzyWizzard : what if your plan backfired and they got suspect of you and labeled you a Food Witch. They’d burn you at the stake
OnceandFutureChef: jesus you are right
DizzyWizzard : the whole town filled with the delicious fumes of your trans fat loaded gut as it roasted over an open fire
OnceandFutureChef: they would burn me alive. fucking pitchforks and torches all the way up the path to my estate
DizzyWizzard : an angry mob who no longer fear your powers cause they realize it wasnt magic. you just duped them with trans fats
OnceandFutureChef: i better rethink this fucking shit
DizzyWizzard : this is all very reminescent of an episode of ducktails in which Gyro Gearloose goes back in times and becomes the kings favorite subject thanks to his “inventions”
DizzyWizzard : was this whole debate inspired by that?
OnceandFutureChef: no, but i would love to see that again