Now the ill informed would argue that once a gentleman becomes a father, his gentleman years—an infinite domino effect of dazzlement, debauchery, and drinking with utter abandon—are behind him. Well, think again, dear reader. Sure, the normally courageous gentleman will run for cover faster than a terrorist in a shit storm at the very mention of child support payments and carpooling schedules; but that doesn’t mean the gentleman is incapable of being a mentor in a young child’s life while still fully committing himself to his fabulous lifestyle. A gent is, after all, a multitasker. And so, like an ambidextrous circus clown juggling eight bottles of moonshine and one whining child, the gentleman tackles fatherhood and drinking simultaneously. Care to add a unicycle to his impressive array of staggering feats? Rest assured, the gentleman can handle it!
JerzySure: what did you do last night?
Drinkin’Bud: my friend Ken* was in NJ from Atlanta, staying at that new W hotel in hoboken
JerzySure: isnt he going thru a divorce?
Drinkin’Bud: they were, but they’re trying to work things out, counciling, Ken curbing his drinking etc.
JerzySure: was he by himself?
Drinkin’Bud: no, his wife and baby daughter were with him
JerzySure: got it
Drinkin’Bud: so me and a few friends get there around 8:30 and his wife makes it real clear that they have an early flight in the moring and that he needed to take it easy
JerzySure: what time is the flight?
Drinkin’Bud: 8am newark
JerzySure: makes sense
Drinkin’Bud: we all have a few drinks, catch up – very smooth
Drinkin’Bud: then its time for the kid to go to bed, we say goodnight to his wife, and Ken escorts her upstairs to tuck her in and, in the process i guess, tells her he’s coming back down for “just one last drink”
JerzySure: haha famous last words
Drinkin’Bud: so Ken comes back down with beers from his room’s mini bar and a fucking baby monitor clipped to his belt like a godamn cell phone
JerzySure: HAHAHAHA FUCKIN KEN!
Drinkin’Bud: and he says he’s dying to check out the nightclub in the hotel
JerzySure: probably not the best move!
Drinkin’Bud: probably not, so we get in to the place and its chock full of NJ finest, Jersey shore all the way
JerzySure: nice, was the situation there?
Drinkin’Bud: umm we were the situation: drinks, shots, drinks, shots repeat
Drinkin’Bud: none of us dancing, then all of us dancing
JerzySure: hahaha so cheesy…any fist pumping?
Drinkin’Bud: who knows
JerzySure: what time was it?
Drinkin’Bud: had no idea, hours must have elapsed, but figured ken knew his time limit, so we didn’t think about it
Drinkin’Bud: we were having a great time until…
JerzySure: uh oh
Drinkin’Bud: i look over Ken’s shoulder at the door and in walks the wife in the hotel robe and slippers, she bee lines it for us, grabs Ken by the shoulder and asks him WTF he is doing still up
Drinkin’Bud: I guess she’d woken up, seen that it was now 3 AM and Ken was nowhere to be found
JerzySure: hahaha, how did she know you were in da club?
Drinkin’Bud: she woke up to snippets of house music coming through the other end (aka kens end) of the baby monitor followed by our girlish screams
Drinkin’Bud: he must have been hitting the talk button every time he flapped his arms in his goofy dance
JerzySure: hahahaha YIKES! wait they have walky talkies for the baby?
JerzySure: the monitor was two-way?
Drinkin’Bud: i guess? who knows…
Drinkin’Bud: so anyway we all start to leave the club, she’s pretty annoyed, but Ken tries to convince her to go to the lobby bar for a night cap.
Drinkin’Bud: and his reason is “don’t worry about the baby, thats why we have the monitor!” and he orders everyone a round
JerzySure: FATHER. OF. THE. DECADE.