The snowy landscape of the gentleman’s metropolitan wilderness can be rife with peril; thus when traipsing about from watering hole to watering hole in the dark of the evening, a gentleman must be constantly aware of all animals lurking in the shadows, and rely on his superior survival instincts to guide him. By keeping the blood warm with healthy spirits and reckless dance moves, the gentleman is able to stave off frostbite, while his generous spending habits will always keep him out of trouble and into stimulants to stay awake. But perhaps most of all, he must keep his one open eye constantly on the lookout for the sight of the elusive and mythical creature, the most famous of all catches: the Cougar. Staggering as if to purport a wound and wafting the scent of gin and tobacco, the Cougar will hone in on the gentleman and seize the opportunity to execute its famous takedown maneuver. The gentleman will accept the invitation, as is the way of the wild.

UrbanFrontiersman: Christmas party last night… I want to die right now
Pioneerman: hahahah. i am struggling as well
Pioneerman: i was supposed to pack for my flight home but had 3 jameson/baileys
UrbanFrontiersman: i went home with a 39 year old secretary last night, divorced
with three kids
Pioneerman: hahahahah!! please elaborate on your venture last night
UrbanFrontiersman: so christmas party. its at this nice restaurant
UrbanFrontiersman: who cares right?
UrbanFrontiersman: but there is an open bar. so I just start housing IPAs, wine, etc…  must have had ten drinks
UrbanFrontiersman: so I notice this one girl is getting wasted, and I invite her and a bunch of other people to go to the bar
UrbanFrontiersman: we go to the bar, more cocktails. we’re all dancing, and she is like grinding on everyone
UrbanFrontiersman: after some pensive cogitation i said fuck it and went for it
UrbanFrontiersman: I end up making out with her, and take her back to my place…
UrbanFrontiersman: Best quote of the night… when i say wait, lets get a condom she replies “Don’t worry, i’m clean and too old to get pregnant”
Pioneerman: oh my god
Pioneerman: hhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Pioneerman: please give me three adjectives how you would best describe your
state of mind right now
UrbanFrontiersman: fucked, drunk, temporarily employed
Pioneerman: hahahahahahaha

  add 1  RATING: 16

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3 Responses to A Gentleman In the Urban Wilderness

  1. Ah, yes. The old vaginally-pristine-postmenopausal-at-39 maneuver — a cougar’s deadly bait. A 38 week premature congratulations to the unknowingly infanticipating and soon-to-be betrothed UrbanFrontiersman.

    And a begrudging “huzzah” to the crafty cougar. You’ve won this round.

  2. Rankmaster Timmons

    Not only did this gentleman slake his thirst for alcohol, but he indeed quelled the sexual desires of an ever-in-need woman of servitude. All in one night, nonetheless!

  3. Nigel Dingelberry; East India Trading Co., Proprietor

    Bully! A real life North American Cougah. I haven’t seen one in nearly a fortnight! Be careful my good man, they can appear like docile creatures, but when cornered can become…unpredictable.

    A suggestion from a man who’s gone hunting more times than the number of bristles in Wilford Brimley’s Mustache. Tread lightly, double wrap, and always have an exit route when things inevitably go sour.

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