Like a flamboyant zen master dastardly stroking his Fu Manchu mustache, a gentleman wills every elegant evening of drinking into existence by first envisioning it in his mind’s eye. However, remembering said evening—from the very first pinky-raised sip of his very first sensible cocktail to the moment just before he belly flops onto the barroom floor, moaning and bellowing and clawing and generally laying waste to everything in his path like a tranquilized Grizzly Bear—proves a far more difficult task the following day. No matter, we say! Our hero has earned himself the right to blackout and transform into a one-man time machine every now and again, and if the bartender should choose to present buybacks to the gentleman and his colleague like major awards for their supreme regalitude, such beastly behavior can hardly be considered the fault of the gentleman alone.
GrizzlyBear: what happened?
GrizzlyBear: i mean WHAT HAPPENED?
ZooKeeper: haha i have no clue
GrizzlyBear: you black out too?
GrizzlyBear: i am fucking hammered and still in my clothes from last night
GrizzlyBear: a shell of a man
GrizzlyBear: all i remember is one minute we’re casually drinking gin and tonics at the bar
GrizzlyBear: pausing from sipping our drinks to nibble on peanuts and to graciously thank the bartender for another generous buyback
GrizzlyBear: and the next i’m back in manhattan and getting berated by my cab driver, who is screaming “get the fuck out my cab muthafucka!”
ZooKeeper: hahaha holy shit, maybe you told him to turn off the Eagles like Lebowski did
GrizzlyBear: impossible, i love the Eagles
ZooKeeper: any idea what you did to piss him off?
GrizzlyBear: not a clue, and I don’t even want to fathom what horrible atrocities I committed in the back seat
GrizzlyBear: but what scares me more
GrizzlyBear: WHAT SCARES ME MOST!
GrizzlyBear: is that I left kate a voicemail (this has all been relayed to me this morning) saying what a great time you and I had had, that I was leaving the bar and that it was 10:30pm
GrizzlyBear: but she said the voicemail was left at 1:30am
ZooKeeper: what?! we were at the bar for six hours?!
GrizzlyBear: chyeah…and three of those hours are unaccounted for
ZooKeeper: sounds like we generated 1.21 gigawats of drinkitude and time traveled
GrizzlyBear: no shit
GrizzlyBear: i hope the Libyans arent out to get us for stealing their plutonium
ZooKeeper: so are you going to work or what?
GrizzlyBear: not a fucking a chance
GrizzlyBear: i woke up in my bed with no clue where I was
GrizzlyBear: mud stains all over my pants (i’ve deduced that I took a tumble)
GrizzlyBear: and dried hummus at the corner of my mouth (which I must have bought from the bodega below my apt last night after getting thrown out of the cab…I can only imagine the scene I caused in there…I am NEVER going back)
ZooKeeper: hahaha christ
GrizzlyBear: i’m subhuman right now
GrizzlyBear: an animal
GrizzlyBear: a beast
GrizzlyBear: there is no way I can be within a 2 mile radius of sane, professional people
GrizzlyBear: seriously, if i dared venture into the office today they’d call in the fish and game warden
GrizzlyBear: who’d shoot me on the spot with a tranquilizer gun and ship me to Alaska like a fucking grizzly bear so I could never find my way back to civilization
ZooKeeper: hahahaahaha, no way, i’d intervene and buy you for my petting zoo
GrizzlyBear: thank you
ZooKeeper: you srsly not going to work?
GrizzlyBear: for realz
GrizzlyBear: besides holing up in my 6th floor studio
there are only two thing on today’s agenda:
GrizzlyBear: and pornography
ZooKeeper: mmmm fries and porno
ZooKeeper: wait i thought you didn’t have internet installed yet?
GrizzlyBear: fuck you’re right
GrizzlyBear: well, looks like i’ll be drawing pictures of naked chicks having sex with each other and jerking off to those instead
ZooKeeper: hahaha god bless