How The Gentleman Stole Christmas

December 21st, 2009

A gentleman is always in high demand, but no more so than during the holidays, when eggnog-swilling guests anticipate his arrival with the giddiness of snot-nosed children awaiting St. Nick. Never one to deprive others of his dazzling presence (or himself of a delicious open bar), the gentleman makes sure to gallivant with redoubled vigor, attending party upon Christmas party, regardless if he was invited or not. However, such a cheer-spreading spree spreads a gentleman very thin indeed, and sometimes he’ll have to take a little personal time out of this selfless schedule to get back to his own state of Zen. Which means, when he isn’t trimming the tree, cooking a goose or installing a nativity scene on his sprawling front lawn, a gentleman can typically be found blacked out at late-night karaoke bars belting out the Holiday hits, hoovering up seasonable stimulants and fraternizing with pants-soiling ruffians (and of course not going to work the following day). Ah the gentleman and his heart-warming antics, ‘tis truly a Christmas miracle!

(Happy Holidays, Ladies and Gents, and consider this one a buy-back for putting up with the lack of updates; we’ll be back in full swing come January.)

RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: OMG
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: dude
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: epic wasted last night
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: its been a while
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: fucking holiday parties
St.Dick: hangover report?
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: well
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i took three of my friends to a colleague’s holiday party, which was at an apt
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: where max drinking was in effect bc that whole company just folded.
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i proceed to get smashed bc hey, why not
St.Dick: oh man
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: and don’t fully recall leaving
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: but, naturally, I decided to get some blow and go do karaoke
St.Dick: stands to reason
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: so i go over to [retracted] til like…4
St.Dick: hahaha
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: and also leave, take a car home, realize i left my keys there, have to go back, blah blah blah
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i must have been a piece of work when i arrived
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: anyhow
St.Dick: oh my
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: so this morning i wake up and i am like
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: shit, i do not remember leaving colleague’s holiday party
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: so i call a friend i went with
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: and he’s like
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: you don’t remember why you left?
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: apparently some drunk random dudes tried to come into the apt from the street, and followed girls in who were outside smoking
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: tried to like grab them in the hallway of this brownstone
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: so one of the dudes from the party throws one of these guys down the stairs
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: whenceforth random dude SHITS HIS PANTS
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: merry christmas!!!!!!!!
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: apparently it was bad
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: the dude who pooped his pants was threatening to call the cops
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i was like yeah dude, you do that
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: senor poopypants
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: you explain to the cops that some guy was angry that you busted into his hallway, groped his female guests, tried to manhandle your way through the door then shit yourself
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: and that the hosts should therefore be arrested
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: PARTY
St.Dick: TOTES
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: TOLLY
St.Dick: TULLY
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: so that’s where im at this fine friday morning
St.Dick: oh man
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: when people shit their pants, i gotta go
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: fuck you christmas
St.Dick: hahaha, are u in pain?
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: am i IMing you from bed?
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: then yes.
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i can’t even muster the strength to get up and eat lucky charms
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: file under “you know it’s bad when”
St.Dick: so awesome
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i have to put myself in the shower bc i smell like a carton of menthol cigarettes
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: at least they were dunhills
St.Dick: classy
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: mega classy
St.Dick: well, i gotta get back to work
St.Dick: but I wish you champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

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16 Responses to How The Gentleman Stole Christmas

  1. I proclaim shenanigans. This isn’t an actual IM exchange; it’s the script from a forthcoming Dunhill cigarette advertisement. Dunhill – the choice of discriminating gentlefolk.

  2. Yes! It’s Back!

  3. Appalling, yet savory. A welcome return to form, gentlemen. Let’s not have another 3-month intermission this time, hmm?

  4. A Christmas miracle, truly!

  5. Great tale sirs. Just what I needed before attending a few work parties of my own. Glad to see The Monocle is back with a vengeance. Godspeed.

  6. Gentle Townsman of ATL

    Good times indeed kind sirs, we have appropriately been awaiting this fine return of the monocle whilst gallivanting and swashing away our stiff drinks of bourban waiting upon this fine day of reconcile and reaffirmation..welcome back gentleman..welcome back

  7. Gentlewoman of the East

    I have missed seeing the rich mahogany background of this site from the internets; as have I missed the whitty banter of the fellow gentlepeople. I hope your return is not just a chaff!

  8. Winston G. McTastycrotch

    The prodigal son returns…

  9. The Most Mythical of Reindeer

    We are certain that, as gentlemen, you have the most valid and bibulous of reasons explaining your absence. Verily, a regaling of your tales is most necessary, at your leisure surely yet in all reasonableness posthaste! When you have found libations sufficient to quench your thirst,, we will be wating–martinis/Gibsons/High Lifes in hand–to relive your moments of triumph.

  10. I met one of the these dudes at some bar on Smith Street in Brooklyn. Nice guy. He said they are always drinking at a place nearby called The Wings Bar, and to come on down for a drink on them.


  11. Sylvester Winchester

    So glad we’re back.

  12. finally back!!!

  13. [...] The Foggy Monocle – “How the Gentleman Stole Christmas” [...]

  14. Yeah we are back, but these guys sound like 19 year old pussies.

  15. Bravo! Excellent story for the gentlemen.

  16. Sir Squinty of Squalor

    Christmas is saved!

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