A Gentleman Dazzles at a Wedding

September 18th, 2009

wedding-crashers-6

Ahh wedding season! Following the gentleman’s proud display of leadership and courage at the groom’s bachelor party, where he no doubt distinguishly extinguished the gin supply and made charitable donations to the lovely ecdysiasts, a gentleman will attend the main event with gusto and gallantry. While sashaying to the soft rock jams of the band, boomeranging fawning gentladies around the dance floor and exchanging pleasantries with the bride’s family members, a gentleman is also keen to avoid putting cigar burn holes in his favorite fox hair cummerbund or spill his 15th vodka soda as he moves quickly and effortlessly through the gala.

WeddingGent: have you decided to quit drinking after your display at the wedding?
DanceMan: i wasnt aware it was that different from everyone else
WeddingGent: i dont recall ‘everyone else’ fist pumping like they were at a green day concert, jumping around for no reason, high fiving the band, continuously getting turned down to dance by the bride’s mom, and sweating profusely
DanceMan: i guess now that i am sober that does sound stupid
DanceMan: dammit
WeddingGent: yeah it was brutal
WeddingGent: lord knows i was out of it
WeddingGent: in that one picture of you i tagged you can see me accosting a 16 year old in the back ground
DanceMan: hahaha
DanceMan: i just remember dancing for a long time
DanceMan: i have never done that before
WeddingGent: i was sweating my ass off too
DanceMan: and that drunk lib julie kept pulling me back every time i needed a break
WeddingGent: did you french that drunk?
DanceMan: uh…probably
WeddingGent: i love weddings
WeddingGent: i took down a fat chick
WeddingGent: as well as this one…
WeddingGent: http://www.facebook.com/somegentleladie’sprofile
WeddingGent: one on the left
DanceMan: it says i cant view it
DanceMan: wait youre saying 2 chicks hooked up with your unshaven beaten up face?
WeddingGent: three if you count Sonia
WeddingGent: she hooked up with me… the NIGHT after i got hit
DanceMan: good god. whos Sonia
WeddingGent: the one Jameson brought to the wedding hahaha
WeddingGent: God
WeddingGent : fucking adulthood is ruining my life

  add 1  RATING: 12

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39 Responses to A Gentleman Dazzles at a Wedding

  1. Another week with no updates, either something very big, or very bad is happening, or a bender, or a vacation.

  2. September has proven to be a terrible month for gentlemen antics.

  3. Me thinks the gentlmen hath abandoned their inspirational efforts.

  4. Nearly 2 full weeks without a gentlemanly update?! What has been going on the past month with the exploits of fine gentlemen??

  5. No Gentlemen to lead us?

    Well then I have the conch. I am in charge now.

  6. This site is now officially dead.

  7. Shame that. It was just pointed out to me.

  8. Someone commandeer this website so that the gentlemanly antics can live on! Who among us is man enough to carry the torch?

  9. I feel that we must take up this task on our own somehow…perhaps a gent with a great story should post it as a comment here.

  10. not a bad idea, pioneering. Somebody start it.

  11. Aloisius J. Ruxpin

    I have no record of correspondences with fellow ravishing gentlemen such as myself. For I have kept this tale rather clandestine within my social realm. But, perchance we can entertain ourselves with stories like the ones oft told on this site.

    Unfortunately, I awoke this morning next to a swine of a woman. I had met her in a bar in my native Boston. Somewhere after my eighth Tanqueray & Tonic, I started feeling a warmth come upon me. Was it from the alcohol dilating the capillaries of my face? Or was it the noble maidens eyes, which spied me from afar?

    Now, I knew right away that this woman was a fair bit curvy. But, I am not an extremely discriminating gentleman. She had piercing blue eyes, hair of the finest gold, and full, luscious breasts, just asking for the motorboat. After we exchanged greetings, and after purchasing a few drinks for my new conquest, we returned, hand in hand, to my Brighton apartment.

    After performing several lewd acts, acts which, if I may, would have made Caligula blush, we both expired in a heavenly glow of satiated hunger. I had the noblest of grins upon my face, “Ruxpin, you’ve done it again, you old dog. I can’t believe she licked your….”

    Come morning, the true nature of the beast reared its head. The bacon smelled mighty wonderful, as I sauntered out into my kitchen. There, I found the very definition of a slampig. Her long golden locks matched, ever so nicely, the teeth in her mouth. Her ample breasts I spoke of earlier, still exposed, hung down to her navel and were 75% areola. Her lacey boy-shorts, God bless those noble, devoted things, were stretched to their limits. They held back a flood of pimples- some with scabs, and cellulite.

    It was a very silent breakfast….

  12. J. Thaddeus Fernmueller

    Well rendered, good sirrah!!

    Your tale recalls to me a similar eve: a majority of the night’s details have been obscured amidst the haze of gentlemanly enjoyment of libation and the finest Pennsylvanian marihuana. Fortunate that colleagues of a similar gentle nature were alongside to serve as accountants, guardians and majordomos.

    Oh, but I shall never forget the first sight of milady! Denim clad hocks clamped about a quivering barstool, close-set eyes mostly obscured beneath thick bangs and brow, skin the color of the Hawai’ian foodstuff commonly known as “poi”, and clad in a road-weary Greg Lloyd footballing jersey was my folly….

    But never so lovely had a gentle lady appeared to me! I would hear nothing of holding fast, and to wit COULD NOT remain in a standing position due to the damned devil whiskey. The matter of fact is that my inebriation, serving as sextant and Jeppsen chart alike, drew your humble servant haphazardly into the musky-odored lap of the maiden….a re-enactment:

    Milady: “unnghhHHEEYY, schweetie…..(snorts delicately, swallows)….musht be mah BIRFDAYYY!!! WHHHOOO!!!”

    J.T.F.: “GOOD CHRIST!!! You’re a werewolf up close!!”

    Fortunately, my gaffe was muffled underneath approximately 3 stone weight of arm cellulite. And more fortunately, I was loosed as the barkeep delivered an Italian pizza pie to the goddess now referred to in jest and fact alike as…

    FERNMUELLER’S FOLLY.

    Warmest regards,

    J. Thaddeus Fernmueller
    Gentleman

  13. Aloisius J. Ruxpin

    Kind sir,

    I must inform you, that delightful tale about that deplorable wench was met with a hearty guffaw. Shall our acquaintances ever be met, I will draw for you a glass of my finest whiskey, and my finest port, and my finest gin, and my finest brandy, until we are both so full of noble swagger, any scale-tipping trollop will appear as the fairest dame of all…

    And we shall A-Frame her with our glasses held high.

    In pure gentility,
    A.J. Ruxpin

  14. I sent an email inquiring about the purchase of this amazing site, but alas…no response.

  15. You can find them on twitter and ask!

  16. Let me lay down a hearty wrap on the ‘ole jukebox. That should get this place up and running again. Heyyyyyy

  17. Tis a shame no recent postings. Tis also a shame that I don’t have any tales of debauchery to post myself. Keep up the good work Commenteriat!

  18. So, do we know for a fact that the website will no longer be kept updated?

  19. R.I.P Foggymonocle.

  20. Tsk – removed from my favorites. Makes me sad….

  21. wish there was more

    like anything else; all good things come to an end

  22. What happened? You started off so strong, even having that publicity stunt oyster-eating contest. That gave you legitimacy!

    And now you quit, without even so much as a paragraph explaining yourself. That wasn’t part of the deal, Blackheart! THAT WASN’T PARRRRRT!”

  23. i’m miffed.

  24. Well, well, well. I have checked each and every day. And I find myself abandoned….For shame good gentlemen. For shame.

  25. GentleLady, you are one saucy mama.

  26. Worst. Closing. Ever.

  27. Word on the street is that a TV or film deal is brewing and they were told to hold off on any new posts.

  28. Hmmm, what kind of tv show could this make? Interesting…

  29. Watson McDice, Esq.

    I would think a book deal is more likely than a TV series, personally.

  30. Sir Anthony of Atlanta

    2 months….No updates…..And probably the weakest story I’ve read on here is what they choose to go out on…..Pretty weak guys….Downright piss poor.

  31. I would think that you not actually being an Esq, is most likely, in fact.

  32. While it may be true that a gentleman makes a dashing entrance, only the sorry cad exits like batman. Good sirs. Please reconsider this precipitous retirement. The field is not yet won.

  33. Dear Sirs,

    What is this mystery twitter post about one half of the illustrious gentlemen behind The Foggy Monocle being banned from Minetta Tavern?

    Pray tell which cad it was!

  34. Sir Cockslab McButtercream

    I don’t want to hear about Teddy Ruxpin harpooning a whale or Thad pussying out on a Hungry Hippo. I want the real fuckin deal.

    It’s like going to the Men’s Warehouse for formal wear and having the salesguy show you Tuxedo Tshirts. Sweet….yes. But your still gonna get your ass chewed for showing up like that at your cousins wedding….

  35. [...] The guys at The Foggy Monocle always know how to work a room, especially at a wedding: The Foggy Monocle [...]

  36. Well, I guess this site is dead, huh? Over 2 months without a single update? In the age where the 24-hour news cycle is repeated once every 6 hours?

    This shit was funny — how is it that you either have too few submissions or can’t post regularly? Perhaps textsfromlastnight took your spot?

  37. ummmmm…. this shit is DEAD… if your gonna bow out, do it like true gentlemen… shameful

  38. I concur with the above gentle-soul. Please inform us of the status of your site. My Google Reader misses TFM!

  39. Friend: Christmas party last night…
    I want to die right now
    Sent at 9:41 AM on Friday
    me: hahahah
    i am struggling as well
    i was supposed to pack for my flight home but had 3 jameson/baileys instead
    Friend: i went home with a 39 year old secretary last night, divorced with three kids
    when you flying home?
    Sent at 9:44 AM on Friday
    me: hahahahah
    tonight
    please elaborate on your venture last night
    Friend: so christmas party
    its at this nice restaurant
    who cares right?
    but there is an open bar
    so I just start housing IPAs, wine, etc
    must have had ten drinks
    so I notice this one girl is getting wasted, and I invite her and a bunch of other people to go to the bar
    we go to the bar, more cocktails
    we are all dancing, and she is like grinding on everyone
    after some pensive cogitation i said fuck it and went for it
    I end up making out with her, and take her back to my place…
    Best quote of the night…
    when i say wait, lets get a condom she replies “Don’t worry, i’m clean and too old to get pregnant”
    me: oh my god
    hhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
    please give me three adjectives how you would best describe your state of mind right now
    Friend: fucked, drunk, temporarily employed
    me: hahahahahahaha

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