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A gentleman hardly considers his outright market domination and boardroom brilliance labor-intensive, yet he still makes the time to celebrate the hard work of the office-drones. As the final holiday of the summer season, a gentleman uses Labor Day parties to retire his summertime, sartorial ensemble. Sporting an immaculate seersucker jacket, a flamboyant shirt and his most seizure-inducing madras pants, a gentleman — over the course of an uproarious cocktail party — will strut his stuff like a pink flamingo, making ribald small talk with fellow party goers and staining said getup with booze, condiments, and hamburger grease, before tossing the tarnished threads into a massive beach bonfire, around which he dances drunk and naked, shouting in indecipherable tongues that only the Gentlemen Gods themselves can fully understand.

BaptistBandit: haven’t seen you in ages
BaptistBandit: how’s tricks?
DoctorWu: everything’s running smooth
BaptistBandit: smooth? your life? i don’t believe it
BaptistBandit: no craziness?
DoctorWu: zip. zilch. nada
BaptistBandit: psshaww
DoctorWu: srsly, i’m trying to cram in some quality work and make something of myself before 09 runs out and i hit 30
BaptistBandit: please, 30 is when you start making something of yourself
BaptistBandit: BUT you close out your 20s with drugs and booze and debauchery and generally making a mockery of your complete existence as a human being
DoctorWu: oh well in that case I did that over labor day weekend
DoctorWu: where my actions lead to me getting temporarily dumped by lindsay
BaptistBandit: yes!!! go on…
DoctorWu: lindsay’s folks have a place on nantucket and they throw some big bogus end of summer blowout
DoctorWu: and she wanted to go up to partake in their waspy shenanigans
BaptistBandit: did you oblige?
DoctorWu: yes, reluctantly
BaptistBandit: reluctantly?
DoctorWu: i hate all the dick heads up there, reminds me of boarding school
DoctorWu: plus i have bad memories
DoctorWu: last time i was there was with you and john dooley in college
BaptistBandit: hahahaha when we dropped acid and road those beach cruisers and you thought the road was coming at you in waves
DoctorWu: uh yeah, remember i tried to hang ten by standing on top of the cross bar and then ate shit and basically broke my face?
BaptistBandit: HAHAHAHAHA it was a girls bike, that’s why you fell, the cross bar was sloping, no way anyone could stand on that thing
DoctorWu: yeah i know…
BaptistBandit: well whatever, dont act like lindsay had to twist your arm to partake in a free weekend at the beach
BaptistBandit: i spent labor day with emily’s family, who are fucking southern baptists
BaptistBandit: happy now?
BaptistBandit: i mean say what you will about wasps but at least they booze down
DoctorWu: true
DoctorWu: ANYWAY
DoctorWu: i packed all this trady gear i scored at a thrift store to surprise/embarrass lindsay at their big party
BaptistBandit: delightful
DoctorWu: and so the afternoon of the party, with the caterers setting up shop and her parents already three sheets to the wind
DoctorWu: i waltz down their big staircase in a pink polo, a sear sucker jacket, tasseled loafers and madras pants
BaptistBandit: wow, you musta looked like joseph and the amazing technicolor dream coat
DoctorWu: oh it was beautiful
DoctorWu: to quote 25th hour, I looked like an optical illusion
BaptistBandit: hahaha
DoctorWu: she did not find it funny (we had been fighting the whole weekend already, but that’s another story)
DoctorWu: told me I looked like an asshole and that I should go change
BaptistBandit: wow, she didnt even laugh first?
DoctorWu: nah she’s been pretty humorless lately
DoctorWu: anyway, i told her that i was just trying to fit in and make friends and that me and my ensemble would be staying and getting drunk together
DoctorWu: and that we’d be at the bar if she felt like apologizing
DoctorWu: she of course storms off and I — staying true to my word — make for the bar
BaptistBandit: you are a man of truth and honor!
DoctorWu: they had a blender so i took it upon myself to exclusively drink pina coladas
BaptistBandit: how selfless of you
DoctorWu: well, i wanted to stay true to the whole island/festive vibe
DoctorWu: so after about three or four hours of sinking these and making conversation with all the old buzzards flappin about the place
DoctorWu: i decide to go find lindsay and bury the hatchet
BaptistBandit: uh oh
DoctorWu: and where do I find her?
BaptistBandit: where?
DoctorWu: on their front lawn with all her old guy friends from summers on nantucket who are…
DoctorWu: …and i am not making this up…
DoctorWu: playing a pickup game of lacrosse
BaptistBandit: hahahaha holy shit what douchebags
DoctorWu: yeah dude, they actually brought their sticks to the party
DoctorWu: who does that? or better yet, who still plays lacrosse after college?
BaptistBandit: indians?
BaptistBandit: the guys that beat us up in high school and scored all the chicks we masturbated to?
DoctorWu: true
DoctorWu: anyway, there’s lindsay cheering them on like its a goddamn pep rally
DoctorWu: and she’s sitting on this dudes lap and playing with his hair
DoctorWu: which just adds insult to injury cause you know how self-conscious dudes with full heads of hair make me
BaptistBandit: oh fuck that shit, that’s some cold blooded bull shit!
DoctorWu: yeah he was some fucking chief
BaptistBandit: did you lay into her?
DoctorWu: no, far from it. i just did an about face, walked back inside, went behind the bar and grabbed 1/5 of vodka, put a tenner in the breast pocket of the bartender and walked down to the beach
BaptistBandit: woa, that’s stoicism right there
DoctorWu: you bet your ass…but i wasn’t done yet
BaptistBandit: yes!
DoctorWu: i get down to the beach and there’s these kids
DoctorWu: early 20s prob, crowded around like this little hibachi grill they’ve got in the sand
DoctorWu: they’re drinking and grilling burgers and letting off little fire crackers
DoctorWu: so I ask if i can join
DoctorWu: they tell me to pop a squat
DoctorWu: and there’s this hot chick
DoctorWu: and she sarcastically asks me why i am so dressed up
DoctorWu: i tell her i’d been the guest of honor at a major party
DoctorWu: she laughs and asks what it was for
DoctorWu: so i go into this long and elaborate story about how i live on the other side of the island
DoctorWu: the poor section
DoctorWu: and how these big developers were going to bull doze my family’s neighborhood and put up condos
DoctorWu: but that i found this treasure map and that me and my buddies saved the neighborhood by finding this pirates treasure
BaptistBandit: hahah you told her the plot of Goonies?
DoctorWu: hahaha yeah, she loved it
DoctorWu: they all did, they ate it up
DoctorWu: at this point i was done with my vodka and so they gave me beer and broke out their weed
DoctorWu: so i decided to kick it into overdrive and get super fucked up
DoctorWu: details are patchy
DoctorWu: but i remember trying to lead them in some call and response song, dancing around the grill, trying to make the flames on the hibachi bigger, taking off my shirt, rubbing charcoal on my face like war paint
BaptistBandit: HAHAHA HOLY SHIT
BaptistBandit: did they anoint you as their king?
DoctorWu: no
DoctorWu: next thing I know I am all alone
BaptistBandit: you scared them off?
DoctorWu: must have
BaptistBandit: how long were down there for?
DoctorWu: no idea…hours
DoctorWu: and then suddenly lindsay is storming up to me, screaming
BaptistBandit: hahaha about what?
DoctorWu: that the party is almost over, how I missed the whole thing, how rude i am, that i looked “fucking nuts”
DoctorWu: i’ll give her that last one, i did…
BaptistBandit: HAHAHAHA i am fucking dying picturing you like some shirtless, be-gutted witch doctor in madras pants and war paint trying to talk yourself outa the dog house while black out drunk
DoctorWu: haha you nailed it! that’s what i looked like
DoctorWu: but here’s the best part
DoctorWu: when we finally got back up to her house’s deck i couldnt make it another step, or rather i refused and laid down (this was all told to me the next morning during a very awkward breakfast)
DoctorWu: so two of her lax-loving guy friends had to carry me into the house and upstairs so she could put me to bed
DoctorWu: i guess i was screaming for them “to take their hands off me”
DoctorWu: thank god the parents were already in bed
BaptistBandit: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i am CRYING
DoctorWu: and i find out in the morning that the dude who’d grabbed my legs
DoctorWu: got vomit all over himself
BaptistBandit: WHAT?
DoctorWu: yeah, apparently i’d vomited all over my pants when i was down on the beach and nobody had noticed it cause it just blended in with the madras!
BaptistBandit: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
DoctorWu: boom! got him with a sneak attack!
DoctorWu: vomit on your fingers, how you like me now?
BaptistBandit: that is too good
BaptistBandit: but you said the break up was temporary? lindsay actually forgave you?
DoctorWu: yeah, on the amtrak train back to penn
DoctorWu: i think it was around mystic
DoctorWu: went back to brooklyn and had sex on my futon before my roommate got home
BaptistBandit: wow your life is so awesome and yet so depressing
DoctorWu: i know…
DoctorWu: oh well, back to work!
BaptistBandit: hahaha good talk

  add 1  RATING: 74

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14 Responses to A Sharply-Dressed Gentleman Celebrates Labor Day at the Beach

  1. Well worth the wait, gentlemen. I’m inspired to head down to the local mercantile and purchase their whole stock of war paint. Huzzah!

  2. A cunning gentlemen knows the importance of camouflage and blending in with the surrounding natives, even if that includes Madras pants and pink polos. I’d say the covert mission was a success. Bravo!

  3. Once the war paint had been authentically applied, a makeshift lacrosse apparatus should have been constructed of drift wood and woven sand dune grass. With this the gentleman may have won the favor of his fair lady earlier in the evening.

  4. This true gentleman clearly has a grasp of the William Golding oeuvre, and how to use it to best effect.

  5. Just when I was about to succumb to fears that the fine Sirs Erik and James had relinquished their posts to pursue the over-consumption of alcohol and other gentlemanly escapades full time. But atlas they return with this bard of true grit.

  6. i’m pretty sure i know this person.

  7. Nicely done. Also, tell that bitch to suck a wet one.

  8. Dr. Malcolm Walsh of the Walsh Institute

    This is one of the best stories yet, one of the foggiest of monocles.

  9. Commander Cody — I too thought about “Lord of the Flies” when reading this story. Man’s most innate, savage calling being interrupted by humanity storming onto the beach. Truly, had no interruption occured, a new civilization would have been born right then and there.

    This story is so good that you can’t make it up. The little details like the douchebags playing lacrosse speak volumes to this gentleman’s good nature and sense of adventure. I will raise my glass (over and over again) to you good sir!

  10. Congrats on the sponsors guys, but would a gentleman really wear a prophylactic? I think not…..

  11. Bravo!, what a coincidence to blackout last night as well and be found on my house steps with no shirt on and puke at my side (not on myself).

  12. Indeed, a most rousing tale of holiday ribaldry. The pina coladas were an excellent touch. Three cheers!

  13. let no one ever speak ill of madras worn for satire and mocking….

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