ballroom1

A gentleman is nothing if not one big bottomless cocktail of class. Zig-zagging down the street with a brown-bagged highball in one gloved hand and devilishly spinning his bow tie with the other while making AHH-OO-GAH eyes and wolf-whistling at every female he passes, our champion not only exudes elegance and sophistication, he embodies it. So you can wager your widget factory that when a gentleman falls head over heels for a fair lass in a late-night den of ill-repute, he not only charms her by cooing sweet nothings into her ear, but he personifies his amorous longings with a carefully executed dance. Foxtrotting across the floor, cutting in and out of the crowd and moon-walking all up and down the motherfucker, old twinkle toes struts his stuff like a peacock locked in a primordial mating ritual, making sure that every ounce of his feelings are properly conveyed to the object of his sweet affections.

MaiThaiMaster: holy shit
MaiThaiMaster:  i just got into the office
MaiThaiMaster:  WTF happened last night? 
MaiThaiMaster:  there was dried blood in my hair this morning
MaiThaiMaster:  i mean FUCK
Accomplice: haha oh boy….
Accomplice:  you really want to know? 
MaiThaiMaster:  yes. one moment we’re casually drinking mai thai’s at the bar
MaiThaiMaster:  and the next i’ve suddenly time warped to this morning
MaiThaiMaster:  where i am lying on my couch, still in my clothes and covered in steak fries from the diner 
MaiThaiMaster:  and i have a head injury
Accomplice:  hahahaha
MaiThaiMaster:  oh and the DVD menu of temple of doom is playing on repeat 
MaiThaiMaster: i cant get the indy theme music out of my head
MaiThaiMaster:  and my head is pounding
Accomplice:  well Mario, a lot transpired before you warped through the plumbing pipe 
MaiThaiMaster:  oh shit, please tell me i defeated king koopa and fucked the princess
Accomplice:  hahaha, far from it…
Accomplice:  you were going crazy with the mai thai’s 
Accomplice: you thought it was hilarious we were drinking them 
Accomplice:  you kept screaming “I feel like warren zevon on holiday!” 
Accomplice:  whatever the fuck that means
Accomplice: and telling the bartender you were going to buy the place and turn it into a Trader Vic’s and only serve Mai Thais
MaiThaiMaster:  oh god, the lunacy of it all
Accomplice:  so you were getting visibly drunk
Accomplice:  finally you fell off your stool 
MaiThaiMaster:  oh fuck, that explains the blood on my head? 
Accomplice:  exactly, you were a little banged up
Accomplice:  best part is you get up 
Accomplice:  calmly sit back down and look at the bartender who is staring at you with a mixture of shock and disdain
Accomplice:  raise your index finger and kinda swirl it in a loop and say:
Accomplice:  “just keep the mai thais coming”
MaiThaiMaster:  jesus
Accomplice:  hahahaha, i died laughing
Accomplice:  the bartender didnt however, and he asked us to leave
Accomplice:  citing that you’d clearly had enough
Accomplice:  i couldn’t really argue with that logic 
Accomplice:  i figured the night was over and tried to put you in a cab on 2nd ave
Accomplice:  but you would have none of it 
Accomplice:  and insisted we go to some bar that your coworkers were at
MaiThaiMaster:  WHAT?!
MaiThaiMaster:  did we? 
Accomplice:  yep
MaiThaiMaster:  WHY? why would you let a man with a belly full of mai thais and a bleeding head call the shots??!!
Accomplice:  i guess i am just a pawn in your game
Accomplice:  plus you were enjoying yourself, as was I 
Accomplice:  so we went
Accomplice:  the place was cheesy as fuck
Accomplice:  bad music
Accomplice: murray hill meat heads everywhere 
Accomplice:  you immediately start dancing all nuts
Accomplice:  sticking your ass up in the air hoochie mama rap video style 
Accomplice: like mocking the music but more or less mocking yourself 
Accomplice:  demanding beers
Accomplice:  interrupting dart games 
Accomplice:  high fiving these dudes you work with who kept laughing at you 
MaiThaiMaster:  fuck me 
MaiThaiMaster:  i must have been so annoying, sorry….
Accomplice:  but the best part
Accomplice:  the part that convinced me I needed to get you in a cab for real
Accomplice:  was…
Accomplice:  and I feel bad even telling you this but I someone has to
MaiThaiMaster:  oh god
MaiThaiMaster:  OH GOD
MaiThaiMaster:  what? what the FUCK did I do? 
Accomplice:  hahahaha
Accomplice:  that bloodhound gang song came on
Accomplice:  remember the one from like 2000? 
Accomplice:  nothing but mammals or something? 
Accomplice:  one sec……
Accomplice:  this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTW8oUV8Aq0
Accomplice:  everyone started laughing 
Accomplice:  and you grabbed that chick you work with
MaiThaiMaster: who? kirsten*? 
Accomplice: yeah! 
MaiThaiMaster:  dude i dont like where this is going
MaiThaiMaster: I like her
Accomplice: oh believe me, THAT was apparent
MaiThaiMaster: goddamnit 
Accomplice:  so you guys started to dance to it, you’re spinning her
Accomplice:  she’s drunk too and at first it seems like you guys are just joking around
Accomplice: BUT
Accomplice:  then you start to slow dance with her, like a joke at first
Accomplice:  but then it is getting creepier and creepier 
Accomplice:  like you put your cheek on hers
Accomplice:  she starts looking back at us like WTF? 
MaiThaiMaster:  holy shit
Accomplice:  finally she pulls away, pats you on the back and leaves you on the dance floor
Accomplice:  and you have a boner
MaiThaiMaster:  WHAT? 
Accomplice:  i am serious, you are pitching a tent in front of the whole bar and everyone you work with
MaiThaiMaster:  that’s impossible
MaiThaiMaster:  you are fucking with me
MaiThaiMaster:  i dont believe it
MaiThaiMaster:  i cant get a boner when i am drunk
Accomplice:  believe it boner boy 
Accomplice:  IT HAPPENED
Accomplice:  that’s when I knew you had to leave
Accomplice:  i grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the bar
MaiThaiMaster:  wait, we left the bar holding hands and i had a boner? 
Accomplice:  hahaha yeah things got fucking weird 
Accomplice:  i should have given you a lollypop too and a ride home on the short bus 
MaiThaiMaster:  pffff are you fucking with me? 
MaiThaiMaster:  i am panic stricken right now
MaiThaiMaster:  please tell me you are joking, this is too impossible 
Accomplice:  i wish i was
MaiThaiMaster:  oh
MaiThaiMaster:  fuck
MaiThaiMaster:  OH FUCK
MaiThaiMaster:  i just got an email from Kirsten*, subject line, “quite the performance last night” 
MaiThaiMaster:  OMG
Accomplice:  hahahahahahaha
Accomplice:  i am dying
Accomplice: quit your job
Accomplice: what’s the email say? 
MaiThaiMaster signed off at 11:50 AM 

  add 1  RATING: 167

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30 Responses to A Gentleman Woos a Female with a Sexually-Charged Dance

  1. Nice dude. Werewolves of Murray Hill

  2. EPIC!!! just… EPIC

  3. i think we need to see that email.

  4. The events described make this night a resounding success. Add to the mix a Warren Zevon reference and you, good sir, have stumbled (or spun, or slowdanced) upon what can only be called a legendary night.

  5. IN-DEED, sir.

  6. i just sharted laughing at the boner/hand holding. well played sir.

  7. simply marvelous

  8. My staff is looking into my office wondering why I am crying.

  9. I need to find my monocle and read this email. Hopefully the MaiThaiMaster got to finish his dance with his lovely lady the next night.

  10. For me to move forward.. I will need to see a copy of that email please. … Please? …. guys? Come on!

  11. Outstanding night. You had me at dry blood. I am laughing out loud on the train.

  12. You have redefined the genre and sent out a challenge to all gentlemen to try and best your feats of strength and derring-do. Well played, Sir- I salute you!

  13. Dr. Malcolm Walsh of the Walsh Institute

    Bravo. Brav-fucking-O.

  14. Brantford Winstonworth

    TALLY-HO my good man.

  15. That is the best story I’ve ever read on this site. You win at life, sir.

  16. Magnificent work – a surreptitious Mario reference is always welcome, on top of the indubitably fine performance of damaging one’s head and bringing the sexy to the dancefloor.

    What else has the gentleman (the breed) left to accomplish? Sodomy at the top of Everest? Fine work good sir.

  17. Act like you’re not impressed!

  18. The Gentlest Gentleman

    It indeed requires more than a modicum of tenacity, effort, and good old fashioned moxie for a gentleman deep in the throws of a debaucherous night about town to to grow to a noticeable level of excited turgidity. This says much about our fine friends apparent attraction to an obviously marvelous gentlelady. Good show – your wily efforts will undoubtedly be admired and respected by her and your peers come the morrow – and you shall be handsomely rewarded with the worlds grandest awkward work day.

  19. [...] told you about The Foggy Monocle before, so it shouldn’t come as a shock that when we’re too lazy to write anything, [...]

  20. This gentleman is made of pure awesome. Hats off to you, sir.

  21. Rankmaster Timmons

    “Bring lawyers, guns, and money. The shit has hit the fan.” – the late, great Warren Zevon.

    Well played, sir.

  22. wow. this is one of the best yet

  23. I love how there can be a lull in the actions of gentlemen across the land, only to be broken by the actions of one selfless individual such as this.

  24. A return to excellence

  25. the werewolf was drinking a pina colada at trader vic’s, not mai tai.

  26. his hair was perfect…

  27. Outstanding. I bet he gets the girl

  28. Very nice.
    However, when left on such a cliffhanger about the e-mail, we demand a copy of such transcript or an update at the very least.

  29. Love that “just a pawn in your game” reference!

  30. [...] [...]

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