A gentleman is nothing if not one big bottomless cocktail of class. Zig-zagging down the street with a brown-bagged highball in one gloved hand and devilishly spinning his bow tie with the other while making AHH-OO-GAH eyes and wolf-whistling at every female he passes, our champion not only exudes elegance and sophistication, he embodies it. So you can wager your widget factory that when a gentleman falls head over heels for a fair lass in a late-night den of ill-repute, he not only charms her by cooing sweet nothings into her ear, but he personifies his amorous longings with a carefully executed dance. Foxtrotting across the floor, cutting in and out of the crowd and moon-walking all up and down the motherfucker, old twinkle toes struts his stuff like a peacock locked in a primordial mating ritual, making sure that every ounce of his feelings are properly conveyed to the object of his sweet affections.
MaiThaiMaster: holy shit
MaiThaiMaster: i just got into the office
MaiThaiMaster: WTF happened last night?
MaiThaiMaster: there was dried blood in my hair this morning
MaiThaiMaster: i mean FUCK
Accomplice: haha oh boy….
Accomplice: you really want to know?
MaiThaiMaster: yes. one moment we’re casually drinking mai thai’s at the bar
MaiThaiMaster: and the next i’ve suddenly time warped to this morning
MaiThaiMaster: where i am lying on my couch, still in my clothes and covered in steak fries from the diner
MaiThaiMaster: and i have a head injury
MaiThaiMaster: oh and the DVD menu of temple of doom is playing on repeat
MaiThaiMaster: i cant get the indy theme music out of my head
MaiThaiMaster: and my head is pounding
Accomplice: well Mario, a lot transpired before you warped through the plumbing pipe
MaiThaiMaster: oh shit, please tell me i defeated king koopa and fucked the princess
Accomplice: hahaha, far from it…
Accomplice: you were going crazy with the mai thai’s
Accomplice: you thought it was hilarious we were drinking them
Accomplice: you kept screaming “I feel like warren zevon on holiday!”
Accomplice: whatever the fuck that means
Accomplice: and telling the bartender you were going to buy the place and turn it into a Trader Vic’s and only serve Mai Thais
MaiThaiMaster: oh god, the lunacy of it all
Accomplice: so you were getting visibly drunk
Accomplice: finally you fell off your stool
MaiThaiMaster: oh fuck, that explains the blood on my head?
Accomplice: exactly, you were a little banged up
Accomplice: best part is you get up
Accomplice: calmly sit back down and look at the bartender who is staring at you with a mixture of shock and disdain
Accomplice: raise your index finger and kinda swirl it in a loop and say:
Accomplice: “just keep the mai thais coming”
Accomplice: hahahaha, i died laughing
Accomplice: the bartender didnt however, and he asked us to leave
Accomplice: citing that you’d clearly had enough
Accomplice: i couldn’t really argue with that logic
Accomplice: i figured the night was over and tried to put you in a cab on 2nd ave
Accomplice: but you would have none of it
Accomplice: and insisted we go to some bar that your coworkers were at
MaiThaiMaster: did we?
MaiThaiMaster: WHY? why would you let a man with a belly full of mai thais and a bleeding head call the shots??!!
Accomplice: i guess i am just a pawn in your game
Accomplice: plus you were enjoying yourself, as was I
Accomplice: so we went
Accomplice: the place was cheesy as fuck
Accomplice: bad music
Accomplice: murray hill meat heads everywhere
Accomplice: you immediately start dancing all nuts
Accomplice: sticking your ass up in the air hoochie mama rap video style
Accomplice: like mocking the music but more or less mocking yourself
Accomplice: demanding beers
Accomplice: interrupting dart games
Accomplice: high fiving these dudes you work with who kept laughing at you
MaiThaiMaster: fuck me
MaiThaiMaster: i must have been so annoying, sorry….
Accomplice: but the best part
Accomplice: the part that convinced me I needed to get you in a cab for real
Accomplice: and I feel bad even telling you this but I someone has to
MaiThaiMaster: oh god
MaiThaiMaster: OH GOD
MaiThaiMaster: what? what the FUCK did I do?
Accomplice: that bloodhound gang song came on
Accomplice: remember the one from like 2000?
Accomplice: nothing but mammals or something?
Accomplice: one sec……
Accomplice: this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTW8oUV8Aq0
Accomplice: everyone started laughing
Accomplice: and you grabbed that chick you work with
MaiThaiMaster: who? kirsten*?
MaiThaiMaster: dude i dont like where this is going
MaiThaiMaster: I like her
Accomplice: oh believe me, THAT was apparent
Accomplice: so you guys started to dance to it, you’re spinning her
Accomplice: she’s drunk too and at first it seems like you guys are just joking around
Accomplice: then you start to slow dance with her, like a joke at first
Accomplice: but then it is getting creepier and creepier
Accomplice: like you put your cheek on hers
Accomplice: she starts looking back at us like WTF?
MaiThaiMaster: holy shit
Accomplice: finally she pulls away, pats you on the back and leaves you on the dance floor
Accomplice: and you have a boner
Accomplice: i am serious, you are pitching a tent in front of the whole bar and everyone you work with
MaiThaiMaster: that’s impossible
MaiThaiMaster: you are fucking with me
MaiThaiMaster: i dont believe it
MaiThaiMaster: i cant get a boner when i am drunk
Accomplice: believe it boner boy
Accomplice: IT HAPPENED
Accomplice: that’s when I knew you had to leave
Accomplice: i grabbed your hand and pulled you out of the bar
MaiThaiMaster: wait, we left the bar holding hands and i had a boner?
Accomplice: hahaha yeah things got fucking weird
Accomplice: i should have given you a lollypop too and a ride home on the short bus
MaiThaiMaster: pffff are you fucking with me?
MaiThaiMaster: i am panic stricken right now
MaiThaiMaster: please tell me you are joking, this is too impossible
Accomplice: i wish i was
MaiThaiMaster: OH FUCK
MaiThaiMaster: i just got an email from Kirsten*, subject line, “quite the performance last night”
Accomplice: i am dying
Accomplice: quit your job
Accomplice: what’s the email say?
MaiThaiMaster signed off at 11:50 AM