Since summer Fridays typically call for casual business, a gentleman makes sure to punctuate his day of corporate leisure with a sensible three-hour lunch break, during which he gets uproariously drunk. Arriving back at his place of work adequately sauced, speaking in unintelligible tongues, goosing secretaries’ hooters and demanding hot wings, cigarettes and drug dealers’ pager numbers, the gentleman makes for a charming corporate jester, an entertaining office idiot who selflessly sacrifices his dignity for the amusement of all. However, much as they’d like this chilled out entertainer to stick around till the end of business hours to boost office morale, the head honchos know that a lubricated gentleman is a capable creature indeed, and that his alcohol-induced skills would be much better put to use practicing the air guitar in his apartment, scouring the Internet for sexual fetish sites and texting friends with erudite musings such as, “Aha! I do declare I am positively smashed!” Thus, with tears in their eyes, the board of directors ask the gentleman to pack up and leave for the day, sending him off into the world like the saviour he truly is.

LunchLord: howdy doody! 
ChatChick: hiya! 
ChatChick: you’re on IM at work?! i don’t believe it!
LunchLord: nah, got sent home! 
ChatChick: WHAT? 
ChatChick: everything ok? 
LunchLord: things are going swimmingly! 
ChatChick: hahaha wtf happened?
LunchLord: i met jarvis and the boys for lunch 
LunchLord: Pizzeria Uno in the west village
LunchLord: around 11:45
ChatChick: haha why on earth would you go there? 
LunchLord: suburban nostalgia duh
LunchLord: and a friday power lunch of sorts
ChatChick: ha! ok
LunchLord: they have delicious margaritas there
LunchLord: i mean
LunchLord: DELICIOUS
LunchLord: in huge, bowl-like glasses
LunchLord: Tom sat down, looked at the waitress and goes “5 buds please” 
LunchLord: then turns to the rest of us and goes “what r u guys having?” 
ChatChick: BWWWHAHAHA
LunchLord: so that sorta set the tone for the rest of lunch 
ChatChick: oh dear…
LunchLord: guzzled. so soon after that thing i’m back in the office, shitfaced and realizing I’ve gotta get on a conference call with a client in 5 minutes
LunchLord: luckily — unluckily? — my VP spotted me in the bathroom ad was like, “Charlie, you’re drunk” 
ChatChick: oh no
ChatChick: was he pissed? 
LunchLord: couldnt tell, i imagine he was 
LunchLord: he just told me to leave the office fast before anyone saw me
LunchLord: judging by his tone he was pissed but the details escape me
ChatChick: WOW
ChatChick: living dangerously!
LunchLord: no shit. I’m sure it’s all good, hes relatively cool
LunchLord: but now I’m back in my apt sipping a high life and rocking out to some zeppelin, so im pleased with the day
LunchLord: contemplating making a pilgramige out to the Chili’s in Jersey City tonight with the guys
ChatChick: jesus christ, you guys are like the white trash version of Mad Men

Filed under: Drinking, Ejected, Office Disaster, Office Party, Summer Friday.

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