While most seasoned jetsetters bitch and moan about the fading glory of international travel, lamenting the loss of the Concorde and uneasily eyeing the hordes of budget-minded blowhards with whom they must share an aircraft, tour bus or gypsy cab, a gentleman takes the modern state of communal boarder crossings in style, even adding his own personalized dollop of dignity to ensure the whole affair run both smoothly and stylishly. Having the ever-entertaining gentleman aboard any such vessel undoubtedly makes the trip supremely agreeable for all who partake, and by journey’s end, the voyagers will toast the gentleman en masse, hoisting him onto their shoulders and offering him their daughters’ hands in marriage, as if he was the trailblazing chief of their travel-weary tribe.
HootinHound: yo you back?
BusHound: yeah got in on monday night
BusHound: Fucking worst bus ride in my life
HootinHound: you took a fucking bus from montreal to new york?
BusHound: these obama bucks barely cover rent, they sure as shit don’t cover a weekend plane ticket
BusHound: anyway was supposed to take like 10 hours
BusHound: but took fucking 15
BusHound: mostly because of me
HootinHound: haha oh shit
HootinHound: you hijak it and take hostages?
HootinHound: demand a ransom?
BusHound: so the bus was leaving monday morning
BusHound: but i’d gotten totaled sunday night
BusHound: ate poutin (those gravey fries that are all the rage up there) and slept on Nick’s floor
BusHound: BARELY made the bus the next morning, hungover as all HELL
BusHound: got on and promptly passed out thank god
BusHound: cause i felt awful
BusHound: wake up hours later in a panic and had to make an emergency dash to the bathroom at the back of the bus
BusHound: puked in the sink, took a horrendous shit in the toilet, it was like an exocism of evil
HootinHound: i am SURE everyone heard
BusHound: oh of course
BusHound: it was terrible. I felt awful
BusHound: so the toilet is clogged now
BusHound: nothing i could do
HootinHound: hahahahahha srsly???
BusHound: i stealthly exit, and sneak back to the front of the shitty greyhound, which was packed and hot as hell
BusHound: i go back to sleep for what was probably a matter of minutes
BusHound: or it could have been hours, i have no idea
BusHound: bus driver announces that we have to make an emergency pit stop, to fix the “lavatory”
HootinHound: oh shit
BusHound: apparently the smell was too much to handle
BusHound: i’m sinking down into my seat when this little blonde kid
BusHound: barely, what, 4? points at me and screams “he did it daddy!”
HootinHound: that little motherfucker!
HootinHound: ratted you out!
HootinHound: you’d think that as a 4 year old and someone well versed in the arts of accidental shits he’d at least show some solidarity by keeping his mouth shut
BusHound: whatever, I’m sure the whole bus knew it was me anyway
BusHound: (but yeah, fuck that kid)
BusHound: so we had to wait in this gas station parking lot for like 4 hours to get “rescued” by another bus
BusHound: everyone fucking hated me
BusHound: it was terrible
HootinHound: i can imagine
HootinHound: did anyone talk to you or say anything?
BusHound: the only eyes that met mine were ones filled with hate
BusHound: other than that, people went out of their way to ignore me
HootinHound: that is one of the worst experiences i have ever heard
HootinHound: i trust everything went ok on the rescue bus?
BusHound: that part of the bus ride continued without any toilet clogging, so yes everything went ok if that’s what you mean
BusHound: when i woke up when we reached the port authority
BusHound: i look up and some lady is looking down at me in disgust
BusHound: i figured it was some residual anger from the whole toilet clogging scenario
BusHound: but then i look down at my pants and I realize I am nursing this huge woodrow wilson
HootinHound: hahaha what?
HootinHound: wtf is that?
BusHound: you know a rodney, a steamer
HootinHound: hahaha a boner?
BusHound: yeah but this thing was like the PRESIDENT of boners, fucking huge and unmissable
HootinHound: hahaha, you truly are disgusting
BusHound: jesus don’t i know
HootinHound: well once i stop laughing
HootinHound: and you catch up on sleep
HootinHound: give me a holler
HootinHound: we’re due for some summertime suds to rehydrate you after such a shitty trip
BusHound: i will never take a bus again
BusHound: and i’m sure if i tried they wouldn’t let me anyway
HootinHound: yeah you’re definitely blacklisted