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While most seasoned jetsetters bitch and moan about the fading glory of international travel, lamenting the loss of the Concorde and uneasily eyeing the hordes of budget-minded blowhards with whom they must share an aircraft, tour bus or gypsy cab, a gentleman takes the modern state of communal boarder crossings in style, even adding his own personalized dollop of dignity to ensure the whole affair run both smoothly and stylishly. Having the ever-entertaining gentleman aboard any such vessel undoubtedly makes the trip supremely agreeable for all who partake, and by journey’s end, the voyagers will toast the gentleman en masse, hoisting him onto their shoulders and offering him their daughters’ hands in marriage, as if he was the trailblazing chief of their travel-weary tribe.

HootinHound: yo you back?
BusHound: yeah got in on monday night
BusHound: Fucking worst bus ride in my life
HootinHound: you took a fucking bus from montreal to new york?
HootinHound: wtf?!
BusHound: yeah
BusHound: these obama bucks barely cover rent, they sure as shit don’t cover a weekend plane ticket
HootinHound: true
BusHound: anyway was supposed to take like 10 hours
BusHound: but took fucking 15
HootinHound: jesus

BusHound: mostly because of me
HootinHound: haha oh shit

HootinHound: why?
HootinHound: you hijak it and take hostages?

HootinHound: demand a ransom?
BusHound: so the bus was leaving monday morning
BusHound: but i’d gotten totaled sunday night
BusHound: ate poutin (those gravey fries that are all the rage up there) and slept on Nick’s floor
BusHound: BARELY made the bus the next morning, hungover as all HELL
BusHound: got on and promptly passed out thank god
BusHound: cause i felt awful

BusHound: wake up hours later in a panic and had to make an emergency dash to the bathroom at the back of the bus
BusHound: puked in the sink, took a horrendous shit in the toilet, it was like an exocism of evil

HootinHound: hahahahaha

HootinHound: i am SURE everyone heard

BusHound: oh of course
BusHound: it was terrible. I felt awful

BusHound: so the toilet is clogged now
BusHound: nothing i could do

HootinHound: hahahahahha srsly???

BusHound: i stealthly exit, and sneak back to the front of the shitty greyhound, which was packed and hot as hell
BusHound: i go back to sleep for what was probably a matter of minutes

BusHound: or it could have been hours, i have no idea
BusHound: bus driver announces that we have to make an emergency pit stop, to fix the “lavatory”
HootinHound: oh shit

BusHound: apparently the smell was too much to handle
BusHound: i’m sinking down into my seat when this little blonde kid
BusHound: barely, what, 4? points at me and screams “he did it daddy!”

HootinHound: hahaha
HootinHound: that little motherfucker!

HootinHound: ratted you out!
HootinHound: you’d think that as a 4 year old and someone well versed in the arts of accidental shits he’d at least show some solidarity by keeping his mouth shut

BusHound: whatever, I’m sure the whole bus knew it was me anyway

BusHound: (but yeah, fuck that kid)
BusHound: so we had to wait in this gas station parking lot for like 4 hours to get “rescued” by another bus
BusHound: everyone fucking hated me
BusHound: it was terrible

HootinHound: i can imagine
HootinHound: did anyone talk to you or say anything?
BusHound: the only eyes that met mine were ones filled with hate
BusHound: other than that, people went out of their way to ignore me

HootinHound: omg
HootinHound: that is one of the worst experiences i have ever heard

HootinHound: i trust everything went ok on the rescue bus?
BusHound: that part of the bus ride continued without any toilet clogging, so yes everything went ok if that’s what you mean
BusHound: EXCEPT
BusHound: when i woke up when we reached the port authority
BusHound: i look up and some lady is looking down at me in disgust
BusHound: i figured it was some residual anger from the whole toilet clogging scenario
BusHound: but then i look down at my pants and I realize I am nursing this huge woodrow wilson
HootinHound: hahaha what?
HootinHound: wtf is that?
BusHound: you know a rodney, a steamer
HootinHound: hahaha a boner?
BusHound: yeah but this thing was like the PRESIDENT of boners, fucking huge and unmissable
HootinHound: hahaha, you truly are disgusting
BusHound: jesus don’t i know
HootinHound: well once i stop laughing
HootinHound: and you catch up on sleep
HootinHound: give me a holler
HootinHound: we’re due for some summertime suds to rehydrate you after such a shitty trip
BusHound: i will never take a bus again

BusHound: and i’m sure if i tried they wouldn’t let me anyway
HootinHound: yeah you’re definitely blacklisted


Read More:
The Gentleman Defecation Chronicles Number 2
A Gentleman Travels
A Gentleman Learns A Vital Lesson

  add 1  RATING: 27

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10 Responses to A Gentleman Travels By Bus

  1. This bus ride is reminiscent of Red’s journey to the hayfield near Buxton in The Shawshank Redemption.

    “I find I’m so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope. “

  2. Arthur Fonzarelli

    A true gentleman cares not about the comfort level of the other passengers. After all, it’s a fucking Greyhound bus. I can’t imagine that the smell did anything less than improve the current situation. Nice work.

  3. Country Gentleman

    Everytime I have been on a Greyhound I feel like I am sitting in the lavatory in whichever seat I pick. Convenient: yes. Classy: not so much. If only we didn’t spend so much money on booze and fine women, we might be able to afford a private chariot drawn by the stoutest of stallions broken from the prairie, with a private bathroom installed that would definitely not “poop” out on us.

  4. Just wanted to send a shout out to you guys. I’ve been reading the blog for awhile now and it’s always hilarious.

    I laughed OUT LOUD at this post, for which you have my thanks, because it’s one of those interminable Thursdays and I needed a good laugh!

  5. I had a couple really good lols from this one. Great post.

  6. One of the funniest FM posts ever. I salute you.

    I take mild exception to the usage of “lady” in reference to the scornful female in your narrative.

    The peak in your pantaloons (however unconventionally timed) would have inspired admiration and awe from a true gentlelady, proving, to her gratification, that she was in the presence of a gentleMAN.

  7. I too, have been left to mine own devices whilst abroad, and turned to the people’s chariot as last resort. I found myself in exotic Panama City Beach late in a week which had most decidedly not begun in that locale. I also found my bank account and neural capacity in a sad state of depletion. It was this diminished condition, and the realization that I was as bereft of my sporting chums as lucre, which lead to the fateful decision to take a Greyhound bus across nearly the entire state of Georgia late at night.

    What appeared at a glance to be a band of dangerous miscreants surrounded me on every side. Their rough exteriors hid virtuous hearts, I was to find, when they offered me sustenance in the form of croquettes of their own design: each consisting of a single Saltine cracker with an accompanying spread of bargain cat food. A true gentleman does not deprive the less fortunate of nourishment, however, and it was with grumbling stomach and salivating jaws, as I’m sure you can imagine, that I declined.

    Said culinary delights provided another type of nutritive benefit, though, it could rightly be said. Instead of the base provision for bodily hungers, they instead gave new life and drive to my mind!

    The gears and steam of my cerebellum were set to work: somehow, some way, I would bring about the grisly demise of my traitorous comrades.

  8. A. W. E. S. O. M. E.

  9. [...] Foggy Monocle is always a good read. BusHound is a classy gentleman. [...]

  10. [...] We are suspicious of the provenance of several of your article ideas, and we are investigating, in our own manner. If our doubts are proved true, then you should [...]

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