Following a long, adventurous afternoon of relaxation, regalement and riotous revelry, a weary and otherwise zonked gentleman is keen to beckon the driver of his horseless chariot to deliver him to his residence, regardless of how close it may be to the watering hole at which he has held extended court. However, surprises abound at every turn for the gentleman-on-the-go, and upon finding himself on unfamiliar turf later in the evening, far away from his intended destination, the gentleman will boldly venture into the dark wilderness by foot, confident in his own innate survival skills and optimistic that help from new friends is indubitably imminent.

GentlmanWanderer: Yo
BusinessPartner: What up
GentlmanWanderer: Dude this past weekend. Shameful. I’m still wearing my hospital bracelet…
BusinessPartner: WTF!?!? do tell
GentlmanWanderer: Long story short… I was up in Maine at a brewery tour in my hometown, drinking exclusively 24 oz. IPA’s and I didn’t eat after breakfast. So we’re at this bar at say 7pm, and I’m feeling fine, then BOOM I come out of a blackout alone in in front seat of a cab in a parking lot arguing about nothing.
BusinessPartner: Sounds pretty standard…
GentlmanWanderer: I grew up in Maine right, but I don’t recognize anything about where I am now. Right then I notice the cab driver talking to the cop.
BusinessPartner: uh oh. Cops=not good
GentlmanWanderer: Yeah. next thing I know the cop is accusing me of not being able to pay for the cab so I start yelling that the cabbie was trying to touch me.
BusinessPartner: whoa dude, got some issues?
GentlmanWanderer: I know it, anyways, I am in and out of blackout here… somehow I get away from the situation, but I come out of another blackout and I’m standing in a random empty Hannaford parking lot.
BusinessPartner: How do you end up in the hospital?
GentlmanWanderer: Getting there… So I try to call Mary, but I only get 30 seconds of a call before my phone dies, so the last 10 seconds I’m just screaming things I’m seeing… “COME GET ME!! I’M FUCKING LOST! I SEE HANAFORD, BANK OF AMERICA, SHOPPING CARTS, BUSHES!” and the last thing I got in was, “THEY’RE BEATING ME! COME GET ME!!” and then radio silence – dead battery.
BusinessPartner: fuck. Were you being attacked?
GentlmanWanderer: No, just being made fun of by some highschoolers who were passing by.
BusinessPartner: haha wow. Can of worms=opened
GentlmanWanderer: yeah… So then I try for 2 HOURS to get someone to stop who’s driving by so I can find out where I am, and use their cellphone to call a cab or something.
BusinessPartner: How’d that work for ya?
GentlmanWanderer: So no one stopped, so I started walking down the road. Little did I know I was in east bumfuck maine. After I left the Hanaford, it was 1/2 mile between each house. As I approach each house I drunkily lurk around their windows to see if they would help me (because I don’t trust anyone because the Highschoolers ‘beat’ me). So I walked for like an hour and then I started getting really scared… I had just seen an episode of “I shouldn’t be alive” on discovery channel.
BusinessPartner: Great show. Great show.
GentlmanWanderer: finally I see a cop approaching (I’m so fucked up, I honestly think I’m in danger) so I flag him down by standing in front of his car and waving my arms like there’s a woman being raped in the house next to me.
BusinessPartner: not good.
GentlmanWanderer: I realize that I can’t really form sentences because I’m fucked up and scared and have terrible drymouth.
BusinessPartner: Dude why did you leave Hannaford?
GentlmanWanderer: No idea… I had been there for 2 hours and said fuck it, I’m roughing it Into The Wild style. Anyways… The cop thinks I’m a crazy (drymouth up the ying), so he’s like… “are you off your medicine son? are you bi-polar or something.” My superior judgement at the time saw this as the only way to get home safe, so I obliged and told him I need my meds asap because I’m gonna fucking lose it.
BusinessPartner: no way. Why didn’t you just say the cab brought you out there and abandoned you?
GentlmanWanderer: No idea. Why did I say a cabbie molested me? I sucked this weekend. so he took me to the hospital blah blah, and I had to convince about 9 different doctors that I wasn’t going to kill myself.
GentlmanWanderer: Apparently what happened was when I stormed out of the bar, I got in a cab and asked to go to “Yarmouth Street” which was 2 blocks away… but seeing as though my communication skills were lacking at that point, the cabbie misunderstood me and took me to “Yarmouth, Maine” which was about 15 miles away. Then the cabbie dumped me.

RELATED: Gentlemanly Company = Gentlemanly Decisions

RELATED: A Gentleman Pulls of the Perfect Blackout

Filed under: Adventure, Blackout, Drinking, Epic Night.

  add 1  RATING: 28