While it’s true that a gentleman can conjure up any number of reasons to justify his drinking, he always jumps at the rare opportunity to imbibe in the name of a good cause. For example, should a pub crawl be orchestrated for the benefit of cancer research, a gentleman will selflessly set out on his mission, embarking upon the arduous day of drinking not with the goal of getting drunk, but with the goal of swilling enough booze to actually cure cancer itself. Pushing his body to the absolute limit, a gentleman will imbibe to the fullest regardless of the price his body is sure to pay later; persevering through the pain, he tells himself, “this is not about me, it’s about saving lives.” In fact, so commited is the saint-like gentleman to his one-man-Mayo-Clinic cancer-curing battle, that he’ll actually spend the preceding weeks calling friends, family and business associates and asking them for monetary pledges to fund his brave pub crawl.

AverageJoe: What did you do this weekend?
LanceDrinkstrong: too much, my body is in withdrawel
AverageJoe: sounds about right
AverageJoe: details?
LanceDrinkstrong: You know that Crawl for Cancer Pub Crawl?
AverageJoe: Yeah…it’s a blast
LanceDrinkstrong: I got morning drinks with some friends before the crawl… not a good idea
AverageJoe: haha never is
LanceDrinkstrong: but Gray Hounds taste so good
AverageJoe: Your lips have to be chapped as shit
LanceDrinkstrong: It hurts to talk and it looks likes I have been making out with sand paper
LanceDrinkstrong: anyway, so by the time we go to the first bar i’m already partially brown’d out
LanceDrinkstrong: and it was 10:30 A.M.
LanceDrinkstrong: allison’s* brother helps run the crawl and had all these free ticket for pitchers
AverageJoe: Damn that’s nice.
LanceDrinkstrong: so by 12:30 i was full tilt BKO’d, cause I don’t remember anything after that
AverageJoe: hahaha you are such a retard, you always get drunk too fast
LanceDrinkstrong: I know but I supposedly stayed on the crawl till 5:00
LanceDrinkstrong: at which pount I somehow teleported to allison’s* parents house
LanceDrinkstrong: cause that’s where i woke up
AverageJoe: ha! I hope you drove
LanceDrinkstrong: No thank God, but you know how I’ve been known to sleep/drunk walk?
AverageJoe: Oh shit…
LanceDrinkstrong: Uhhh… yeah
LanceDrinkstrong: i guess allison was upstairs getting ready and I was passed out face first on the family TV room couch
LanceDrinkstrong: I somehow wander into the living room, pull my pants down like a 4 yr old and start pissing every where
AverageJoe: Hahaha LOL
LanceDrinkstrong: i woke up mid piss not knowing where I was or why my pants were down. there was piss everywhere
AverageJoe: Hahahahaha please tell me they walked in on you.
LanceDrinkstrong: You know those dreams you have when you’re naked at school?
AverageJoe: Haha yes
LanceDrinkstrong: that was the feeling that went through my entire body
AverageJoe: crying right now
LanceDrinkstrong: so I started hearing noise upstairs like someone was heading down
AverageJoe: uh oh
LanceDrinkstrong: so I run into the kitchen and rip the whole roll of paper towels off the wall
LanceDrinkstrong: but it wasn’t enough — I needed Bounty
LanceDrinkstrong: I clean up much as I can before she gets down. I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding it at the time but I really didn’t
LanceDrinkstrong: I pissed in the hallway too…didn’t even see it.
AverageJoe: Busted!! you’re a wet bandit! you leave your calling card
LanceDrinkstrong: Totally…She walked down and sees the piss puddle and me standing next to it
LanceDrinkstrong: and he knows my history of Sleep Pissing and she goes
LanceDrinkstrong: “Holy shit, are you kidding me?!”
LanceDrinkstrong: and in that moment guess who walks in?
AverageJoe: her dad?
LanceDrinkstrong: haha, no. Rebel, the family’s fucking choclate Lab!
LanceDrinkstrong: i immediatly pointed at it and very firmly said “bad dog”
AverageJoe: hahahaha, WOW. did she buy it?
LanceDrinkstrong: she’s skeptical, but i’m sticking to that story
LanceDrinkstrong: and i’m pretty sure Rebel isn’t saying shit, he’s got my back!
AverageJoe: god bless that mangy martyr

  add 1  RATING: 58

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7 Responses to A Gentleman Cures Cancer…By Drinking

  1. if i call my alcoholic friend lance drinkstrong this weekend, is it some form of copywrite infringement?


  2. Arthur Fonzarelli

    Jimmy V would be proud.

    “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up…drinking.”

  3. Think how many sticky situations your could get out of if a dog like Rebel ran in at the right time to take the blame. He truly is a “Many Martyr”

  4. Quick thinking!

  5. Gayest story I’ve ever heard. I can’t believe they even published that shit.

  6. nice fiction piece.

    i like “brown out” though.

  7. True story…

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