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RSSA Gentleman Requires A Bailout
March 24th, 2009
Despite his seemingly chinkless armor, a gentleman is by no means immune to the financial disaster currently consuming the modern world. However, the manner in which he weathers the storm is quite different from the safe-playing techniques of less sophisticated souls. A gentleman, as we all know, is a freewheeling character, a man driven by his whims and his vices, his thirst and his loins, and thus while the rest of humanity is stockpiling canned goods and building sandbag walls in preparation of the apocalypse, a gentleman merely carries on as he always has, spending greenbacks willy nilly and drinking and cavorting footloose and fancy free. Until, that is, his whirlwind of spirit-lifting spending catches up with him. With his bonus burned through, his Japanese Whaling stock severely depleted, his bar tab cut off and his Siberian Tiger skin pouch of gold empty, a gentleman may suddenly feel financially insecure, utterly alone and stranded amidst the harsh realities of a very cruel world indeed. In this darkest of hours, a gentleman must rely on the only currency he still has: The aid of gentlemanly friends and a good woman. God bless the company a gentleman keeps, for without them, he is merely a man.
BailOutBob: how was the catering gig?
JoblessGent: gig itself was ok, but it was bookended by two fucking transportation debacles
JoblessGent: that my unemployment essentially put me in
BailOutBob: uh oh, what happened?
JoblessGent: i was 40 minutes late to the gig
JoblessGent: because i realized my tux had been left in a crumpled ball from some xmas party
JoblessGent: so i had to iron the thing at the last minute
BailOutBob: hahah, I can’t imagine your ironing skills are too hot
JoblessGent: no they are not
JoblessGent: i looked like some black tie vagrant
JoblessGent: then it took me forever to get into the thing cause all the beer and alcohol self-medicating i have done has apparently added on the LBs
BailOutBob: hahahah
JoblessGent: then i realize i am late so i take a cab
JoblessGent: only when i swipe my card to pay it doesnt go through
JoblessGent: so thinking there’s a problem with his machine — and of course not my credit — i have the cabbie take me to a bodega with an atm
JoblessGent: but when i try to take cash out the atm tells me i have insufficient funds
BailOutBob: and it just gets worse
BailOutBob: wtf did you do?
JoblessGent: i had to call the only other guy on the catering gig I know, asking if he could come out and pay my fair
JoblessGent: the driver is yelling at me, my buddy reluctantly obliges but he’s obviously not happy
JoblessGent: i mean it’s like duh, he’s catering cause he’s broke too
BailOutBob: what a fucking nightmare!
BailOutBob: where’d all your money go?
JoblessGent: fuck if i know
JoblessGent: and i just got approved for unemployment but of course I am not making the full $405 because they calculate it as a percentage of your salary
JoblessGent: and being that i never made that much to begin with i am not entitled to the full amount
JoblessGent: meanwhile people who made a killing at lehman brothers for the past 10 years are qualified, people that actually have a savings
JoblessGent: and a guy that needs it the most because he has no fucking money can’t get it
JoblessGent: but i digress
BailOutBob: jesus christ, those rich fucks! this whole thing!
JoblessGent: no shit, I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck in vietnam to have to deal with this bull shit
JoblessGent: anyway then i go to hop the subway on the way home
JoblessGent: but i couldn’t because the turnstile tells me I have insufficient fair on my fucking metro card
JoblessGent: and keep in mind I have no money on my credit card
BailOutBob: so i am essentially stranded in midtown
BailOutBob: hahaha what did you do, walk home?
JoblessGent: hoof it 50 blocks uptown? fuck no!
JoblessGent: i walked to my girlfriend’s office and called her for 30 minutes until i could get a hold of her
JoblessGent: she came down to give me, her pathetic boyfriend, enough cash to get home
BailOutBob: what a doll!
JoblessGent: then i get this text saying my phone is going to be shut off because the bill is 2 months overdue
JoblessGent: and I have a phone interview at 5 about a job
BailOutBob: good lord
JoblessGent: so i have to swallow my pride AGAIN and ask her if i can borrow $125 to pay what is immediately due
JoblessGent: of course she gives me her debit card and writes down the pin
JoblessGent: so i walk over to AT&T to pay the bill
JoblessGent: and as i am walking across 5th this thugged out dude is sitting in his huge mercedes
JoblessGent: thing is the size of an air craft carrier
JoblessGent: i srsly think captain sully coulda landed on the fucking things roof
JoblessGent: windows are down, T-Pain’s autotune bullshit music blaring out of it
JoblessGent: and he starts cat calling to this chick that is next to me
JoblessGent: who is a tranni btw
JoblessGent: and i am like great this asshole is fucking financailly secure and i am not
JoblessGent: and what did i do to deserve this?
JoblessGent: i lost my job
JoblessGent: sure
BailOutBob: and you drink too much
JoblessGent: true
BailOutBob: did you ask him for a ride home?
JoblessGent: haha fuck off!
JoblessGent: but srsly, I went to a good school
JoblessGent: a very good school in fact
JoblessGent: and i dont have some twisted tranni fetish
JoblessGent: nor do i cat call out of my car, because I cant afford a car and i think cat calling is disrespectful to women (and would prob never work in my case)
JoblessGent: but here is this cat-calling, tranni-loving, t-pain-listening dude doing just fine and look at me?
BailOutBob: one of life’s cruel realties
JoblessGent: then i go into the fucking AT&T store and they have this goddamn machine that lets you pay the bill there on the spot
JoblessGent: of course i have to wait in line for like 20 minutes because the woman infront of me is paying her $100 bill in fucking singles
JoblessGent: she must have been a stripper
BailOutBob: hahahaha
JoblessGent: and i am like great
JoblessGent: this is the company i keep
JoblessGent: these are my peers, my equals
BailOutBob: oh god, fuck your life
JoblessGent: and now that I am finally at home i am sitting in a tuxedo with my trousers unbuttoned because my gut is too big
JoblessGent: chain smoking and drinking a vodka soda in order to calm my nerves over my whole financial predicament
JoblessGent: i look like some overweight, unemployed, poor man’s version of james bond
JoblessGent: the irony is just miserable
BailOutBob: haha
BailOutBob: oh man
BailOutBob: forgot you were in a tux this whole time
BailOutBob: that’s it, i will not stand for this unfariness!
BailOutBob: i am canceling dinner plans and coming over to your place with two six packs, we’ll forget the whole thing happened
JoblessGent: I might need that. god bless you
March 24th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Only two six-packs???
March 24th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Thank you for defining the antithesis of the gentleman as a cat-calling, tranni-loving, T-Pain-listening, Mercedes driving bastard trying to get a load off in front of an AT&T. It’s like Captain Planet: one by itself, eh, okay. With all powers combined: Dastardly. If anything, the down but never out gentleman is a keen observer of social taxonomy and deserves an earmark of the stimulus package to continue his crucial research into such social paradigms.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:40 am
Oh the humanity! From one unemployed gentleman to another, this news of another gentleman in need was heartfelt and well-received, for a gentleman is nothing without his supporting lads.
Cheers to you supportive fellows, who at a whim would come to the rescue with bourbon and beer.
March 25th, 2009 at 1:36 am
[...] The gentleman requires a bailout [Foggy [...]
March 25th, 2009 at 4:11 am
I notice a tweet about a gentleman being out of ATM funds and metro card funds seems to have dissappeared from thefoggymonocle twitter after this post…..Does this mean these two fine gentlemen are none other then the original monocle men themselves??
March 25th, 2009 at 6:41 am
[...] March 25, 2009 Despite his seemingly chinkless armor, a gentleman is by no means immune to the financial disaster currently consuming the modern world. However, the manner in which he weathers the storm is quite different from the safe-playing techniques of less sophisticated souls. A gentleman, as we all know, is a freewheeling character, a man driven by his whims and his vices, his thirst and his loins, and thus while the rest of humanity is stockpiling canned goods and building sandbag walls in preparation of the apocalypse, a gentleman merely carries on as he always has, spending greenbacks willy nilly and drinking and cavorting footloose and fancy free. Until, that is, his whirlwind of spirit-lifting spending catches up with him. With his bonus burned though, his Japanese Whaling stock severely depleted, his bar tab cutoff and his Siberian Tiger skin pouch of gold empty, a gentleman may suddenly feel financially insecure, utterly alone and stranded amidst the harsh realities of a very cruel world indeed. In this darkest of hours, a gentleman must rely on the only currency he still has: The aid of gentlemanly friends and a good woman. God bless the company a gentleman keeps, for without them, he is merely a man… [read the ultra-urbane exchange] [...]
March 26th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
while that was a great story, i think that gentleman’s employment problems may stem from the fact that he cannot decipher between which use of the word “fare” to use.
March 27th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
that was pure awesomeness. “black tie vagrant”