Just because a gentleman struts around the battlefield of love in his shimmering armor, doesn’t mean he’s impenetrable to injury. On the odd occasion that a greedy lass grows inexplicably bored of his charm and makes off with his broken heart, it’s common for the scorned gentleman to turn to booze, barbiturates and whatever other mood-altering substances may help alleviate his pain. In addition to turning his internal organs into a blender of illicit substances, a gentleman will also transform his outward appearance to personify his inner turmoil. Donning the wardrobe of a pirate (those scarred, solitary men whose only mistress was the sea), a gentleman will embark on a rip-roaring bender like a rudderless clipper ship, and as he stumbles down the street nursing a stolen bottle of rum, with his flowing robe, ruffled shirt and feathered cap blowing in the wind, citizens of the city will make room for his wavering, lovelorn path, stepping aside and bowing their heads in respect, for a gentleman is passing.
LandLubber: did the party end up being as disasterous as planned?
CptBrokenHeart: depends, do you consider getting into a drug dealer’s car and buying coke while dressed as a pirate a disaster?
LandLubber: ruh roh, what happened?!
CptBrokenHeart: my buddy and his girlfriend have a pirate-themed party every year at his parents place upstate
CptBrokenHeart: so festivities started off on the train there, doing beers solo and making my pirate costume
LandLubber: what was your costume?
CptBrokenHeart: cut up pants, cut up shirt, a hook on my hand, and a parrot on my shoulder
CptBrokenHeart: made that shit with my swiss army knife
LandLubber: jesus, look what type of magic happens when macgyver drinks on the job
CptBrokenHeart: exactly. anyway, the party itself was great, succeeded at getting drunk, quickly
CptBrokenHeart: but the real magic started on the bus, on the way back to the city
LandLubber: haha, lay it on me
CptBrokenHeart: i’m swilling my 1 part coke 5 parts rum from a 2 liter bottle
CptBrokenHeart: entreating (read: annoying) everyone to a rousing chorus of (apparently) whatever i feel like
CptBrokenHeart: when low and behold what do i see on my phone?
CptBrokenHeart: why a message from the ex no less!
LandLubber: ugghhh, that cold-hearted wench. did she sink your battleship?
CptBrokenHeart: no, i did that on my own
CptBrokenHeart: but her patrnoizing message of “oh hey, just want to see how you are, hope things are well, i’m thinking about you” didn’t help matters
CptBrokenHeart: so the rum swilling intensifies, and the pirate songs become bleak indeed
CptBrokenHeart: i begin to descend into the drunken depths that only wronged lovers can indulge in
CptBrokenHeart: and by the time the bus drops us off back in the city, i’m totally wasted
CptBrokenHeart: so after the bus drops us off, i pull a houdini, i’m just gone
CptBrokenHeart: no goodbye, nothing, and head straight into the loving arms of…
CptBrokenHeart: a drug dealer
CptBrokenHeart: call him up on my way to my brother’s place, where i know my pitiful behavior will never be judged, and in fact encouraged
LandLubber: of course, where you will be accepted for the drunken drug jester that you are
CptBrokenHeart: so he pulls up, somehow not in his normal escalade, and i jump in the back of a 1992 toyota tercel
CptBrokenHeart: still in pirate garb, mind you
LandLubber: Hahahaha, did he mistake you for an undercover cop dressed as a pirate?
CptBrokenHeart: I wish. no, in my sodden state, i thought it would be cool to talk jive to him and his boys
LandLubber: you fool. have you never bought drugs dressed as a pirate before? it’s absolutely imperative that you adopt their seafairing vernacular to pull the whole disguise off!
CptBrokenHeart: hahaha. so i’m laying down all the lines jay z has ever tought me, filtered through the whitest accent ever
CptBrokenHeart: and let me tell you, it’s going over well
CptBrokenHeart: at least, that’s how i like to remember it
LandLubber: was he trying not to laugh?
LandLubber: or was too shocked to make a peep because a FUCKING PREPPY PIRATE WAS IN HIS TOYOTO TALKING JIVE AND BUYING COKE?
CptBrokenHeart: i have absolutely no idea
CptBrokenHeart: i can only hope he was kind to me
CptBrokenHeart: i was and remain, after all, his loyal customer
CptBrokenHeart: so, whatever, change out of the pirate costume and the rest of the night is more of the same
CptBrokenHeart: overdrawing ATMs
CptBrokenHeart: forgetting my wallet at the apt
CptBrokenHeart: getting kicked out of a bar for climbing in the window
LandLubber: so once you ditched the pirate getup it was pretty much par for the course?
CptBrokenHeart: totally. i don’t have to be dressed as a buckaneer to behave like one