On the rare occurrence that a gentleman is tardy for a destination wedding (be it because his trusty pocket watch stalled or that his private jet was needed for dog fighting missions or that he was merely held up by drug enforcement at security), he makes sure that his supreme presence is felt by lighting up the reception, stunning the local bar scene and finally navigating the rigmarole of a late-night hotel check in. In the wake of this one-man magic show, the question of whether or not the gentleman actually attended the wedding ceremony and witnessed the vows exchanged between the amorous couple will seem simply trivial. And, dear readers, for years to come, wedding guests and astonished locals alike will scratch their heads in collective amazement, wondering if what they witnessed was simply the actions of a thirsty gentleman or rather an inexplicably intoxicating whirlwind of wizardry that swept through their sleepy town. We like to think that it was both.

WeddingDetective: how was the wedding?
WeekendSensation: total disaster
WeekendSensation: but Jenn and I made up for it by being the classiest couple at the wedding
WeddingDetective: rly?
WeddingDetective: what happened?
WeekendSensation: our flight in was 2 hours late
WeekendSensation: so we missed the ceremony
WeekendSensation: just made it for the open bar, which is either very rude or clutch depending on how you look at it
WeekendSensation: I mean we were cutting it close to begin with flying in that morning, but i didnt want to pay for two nights at a hotel
WeekendSensation: so we had to make up for missing the vows by putting on quite a show at the reception. I mean, we had to prove we were there, right?
WeddingDetective: naturally
WeekendSensation: got totally hammered
WeekendSensation: did some swing dancing
WeekendSensation: by night’s end I made Jenn drive us to the hotel
WeddingDetective: haha
WeekendSensation: even though we were retarded
WeekendSensation: but I couldnt find the hotel
WeekendSensation: because i couldnt work the gps with one eye open
WeekendSensation: so we just drove to the first hotel we saw
WeekendSensation: i waltz in
WeekendSensation: at 3:30 AM
WeekendSensation: go to the concierge and say
WeekendSensation: “this is a random question, do you have any hotel rooms available?”
WeekendSensation: she replies
WeekendSensation: “that’s not random at all, this is a hotel and yes we do”
WeekendSensation: slapped the plastic down and went for it
WeekendSensation: all while promising her that despite what it looked like, the girl that was parking and schleping in my bags was in fact my lovely girlfriend and not a prostitute
WeekendSensation: then i asked her for snacks
WeekendSensation: she gave me some oreos and ritz crackers
WeddingDetective: no way
WeekendSensation: which i devoured in front of her
WeekendSensation: then said
WeekendSensation: “sorry
WeekendSensation: i know you think i am wasted and its because i am, but i am trying to make the words coming out of my mouth make sense”
WeekendSensation: “ because at the very least they make sense in my head, before I butcher them by bottlenecking them through my mouth”
WeddingDetective: haha
WeekendSensation: she laughed and said i was a nice drunk
WeddingDetective: well that’s polite
WeekendSensation: to top it off
WeekendSensation: we missed our flight home
WeddingDetective: ha!
WeekendSensation: spent three hours in o’hare
WeekendSensation: mostly at TGI Firday’s
WeekendSensation: i ordered wings and a quesadilla
WeekendSensation: crushed that and then left Jenn to sit alone for a good 30 minutes while i evacuated the old colon
WeekendSensation: we did fly right next to the manhattan skyline coming into LGA, nicest view i have ever gotten of the city
WeekendSensation: made me think
WeekendSensation: “god i love this town”
WeddingDetective: it is a gorgeous view, almost as gorgeous as your weekend activities

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