A gentleman rarely needs to apologize because he’s rarely wrong. Did Michelangelo apologize after painting the Sistine Chapel? Did Edison apologize for inventing the light bulb? Did FDR – in what would become his Presidential legacy – apologize for abolishing prohibition? Certainly not! To apologize for such feats of greatness would be pure folly. However, occasionally a gentleman’s actions can be so fantastic, that the common man and woman fail to grasp their revolutionary significance, and instead sadly mistake them for rudeness. Rather than educate these philistines on the cultural importance of his endeavors, the ever humble gentleman merely sighs and apologizes, knowing that explaining such complex actions would be lost on the minds of such simple souls. To be misunderstood is to be a gentleman.
To: Angry Girlfriend
From: Drunken Boyfriend
Subject: sorry I upset you
I’m so sorry about last night. The day was going so good then I had to go and do that and screw everything up. I feel terrible about it. Let me know what you want me to do to make it better. I can come over tonight and clean up more if I need to or I can go home and finish washing the bedding. Please forgive me.
To: Drunken Boyfriend
From: Angry Girlfriend
Subject: RE: sorry I upset you
I HATE IT WHEN YOU GET THAT DRUNK!!! This is the 3rd time since January that I’ve had to say that to you. It’s disappointing. Drinking I don’t have a problem with, but you so obviously don’t know your limits. You totally destroyed my house last night. You broke my towel bar in the bathroom, melted plastic into the toaster that I use EVERY day, sprayed 409 all over everything (and you better hope it doesn’t bleach things out), used every towel in my kitchen and bathroom, ruined my mattresses, sheets (that I just bought), and mattress pad (that I also just bought), got mud all over my white rug, almost had a runaway dog on your hands after you left the gate open (and don’t even remember doing it), I didn’t get any sleep, was late for work this morning, and now I have to go home to a place that is going to smell like puke for the next month. My poor dog was licking the puke off your pile of blankets this morning and you do nothing. I had to tell you to pick them up. You have absolutely no respect for my stuff when you get like that. I asked you to stop doing things over and over again last night and you just kept going. I would never treat your place that way. You’ve completely wrecked my candles and it doesn’t even phase you. You don’t even put them back how they’re supposed to go anymore. THIS IS MY HOUSE!! This is my stuff and I don’t know why you don’t care about that. It makes me want to cry. I feel like it’s a big joke to you.