A Gentleman Begs Forgiveness

September 30th, 2008

A gentleman rarely needs to apologize because he’s rarely wrong. Did Michelangelo apologize after painting the Sistine Chapel? Did Edison apologize for inventing the light bulb? Did FDR – in what would become his Presidential legacy – apologize for abolishing prohibition? Certainly not! To apologize for such feats of greatness would be pure folly. However, occasionally a gentleman’s actions can be so fantastic, that the common man and woman fail to grasp their revolutionary significance, and instead sadly mistake them for rudeness. Rather than educate these philistines on the cultural importance of his endeavors, the ever humble gentleman merely sighs and apologizes, knowing that explaining such complex actions would be lost on the minds of such simple souls. To be misunderstood is to be a gentleman.

To: Angry Girlfriend
From: Drunken Boyfriend
Subject: sorry I upset you

Hey Babe,
I’m so sorry about last night. The day was going so good then I had to go and do that and screw everything up. I feel terrible about it. Let me know what you want me to do to make it better. I can come over tonight and clean up more if I need to or I can go home and finish washing the bedding. Please forgive me.

Love u

To: Drunken Boyfriend
From: Angry Girlfriend
Subject: RE: sorry I upset you
I HATE IT WHEN YOU GET THAT DRUNK!!! This is the 3rd time since January that I’ve had to say that to you. It’s disappointing. Drinking I don’t have a problem with, but you so obviously don’t know your limits. You totally destroyed my house last night. You broke my towel bar in the bathroom, melted plastic into the toaster that I use EVERY day, sprayed 409 all over everything (and you better hope it doesn’t bleach things out), used every towel in my kitchen and bathroom, ruined my mattresses, sheets (that I just bought), and mattress pad (that I also just bought), got mud all over my white rug, almost had a runaway dog on your hands after you left the gate open (and don’t even remember doing it), I didn’t get any sleep, was late for work this morning, and now I have to go home to a place that is going to smell like puke for the next month. My poor dog was licking the puke off your pile of blankets this morning and you do nothing. I had to tell you to pick them up. You have absolutely no respect for my stuff when you get like that. I asked you to stop doing things over and over again last night and you just kept going. I would never treat your place that way. You’ve completely wrecked my candles and it doesn’t even phase you. You don’t even put them back how they’re supposed to go anymore. THIS IS MY HOUSE!! This is my stuff and I don’t know why you don’t care about that. It makes me want to cry. I feel like it’s a big joke to you.

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18 Responses to A Gentleman Begs Forgiveness

  1. A gentleman repents and is overcome by gentlemanly guilt, only to be washed away and replaced by further guilt the following morning

  2. Sir Randy of the Beanpole

    This is more depressing than humorous. I think we have crossed the line from gentlemanly conduct to unbridled douchebaggery- though my uncertainty may indicate a lack of knowledge of the ways of the gentleman. I, myself, after such an encounter, would have bought her three candles and supplied the number of a local domestic (pre-paid, of course).

  3. that comment about the candle arrangement almost mocks the validity of her own rightful complaint

  4. I recommend Sir Randy be flogged in town square for even suggesting a gentlemen and as he puts it so eloquently put it “douchebaggery” be in the same sentence. Bad form sir, bad form.

  5. No. That’s bona fide douchebaggery.

  6. Sir Royale Dusty of the Tanenbaum Clan.

    I do say! This man must be awarded for such braveness. Only a true gentleman would melt a plastic substance into an appliance! It was an ingenious way to ruin her morning toast and put her onto the Atkins diet so she doesnt lose her shapely figure!

    Bravo! Bravo!

  7. I definitely agree about the candles argument really causing this to lost a little bit of gusto. A gentleman cares nothing for candles unless it’s helping him chase tail.

    Yet I agree recently there has been a distinct lack of gentlemanly conduct and as bad of form it may or may not be twatwaffling may have won out, woe to all of us for that

  8. poor girl. Dump the douchebag!! He obviously doesn’t care.

  9. As a gentleman, I must say that this behavior is rather unbecoming.

    However, as a booze-loving-gentleman who has been in a relationship with a woman who would love to see Prohibition reinstated, I would advise not to change your ways for any girl.

    She will use this incident to guilt you into doing/being whatever she wants. Break up with her. That is, once the statute of limitations has passed on the whole property destruction thing.

  10. Lionel Joseph from the University

    It is indeed a fine line between douchebaggery and bravery, the gentleman in question surely should have returned the next day with new replacements for the previous evenings sacrifices.

    That being said, Sir Royal Dusty of teh Tanenbaum Clan does have a vaild point…

  11. Lord Bradford of Rumford

    Even in a drunken fit of destruction a gentlemen must keeps a right mind and remember that in such extreme cases, setting fire to destroy his ungentlemanly behavior is an acceptable course of action.

  12. The gentleman alcoholic and the get-thee-to-rehab-before-you-lose-any-hope-of-a-normal-life alcoholic are two different animals. This gent is flirting with becoming the second type. Puke on the bedspread, 409 on everything, broken towel rack, muddy carpet–any 2 of these things would be considered occupational hazards for the gentleman. But all of them? At your girlfriend’s house? More than once? D-bag.

  13. Foggocle jumps the shark.

  14. As an avid reader and a past gentlelady, I think that this post is hysterical… As my gentleman friend did a very similar act and although I was annoyed and disgusted at the time, it made for a good story a couple days later. Clearly you shouldn’t be hiding behind the title of ‘Sir’ if you describe this post as depressing and can’t pay homage to the debauchery of a misbehaving gentleman. For all true gentleman have more often than not found themselves being overserved by their local barkeep, and are usually thankful for it.

  15. I love that you can almost visualize the progression of the Gentleman’s evening into deeper and deeper debauchery.

    Sprays of vomit, soiled carpet and wallpaper – that is just classic.

  16. Nay good sirs. Secretly….she loves him for this classless display. She now has many a tale of martyrdom to tell to her harpie circle of friends that makes her seem stoic, heroic and loyal…and he plays the villainous role of the alpha male Butler who “doesn’t give a damn.” Bad form for the sheer level of wanton destruction…but the results/effects for his relationship are sheer gentleman.

  17. [...] A Gentleman Begs Forgiveness “As a gentleman, I must say that this behavior is rather unbecoming. [...]

  18. Douchebaggery? I cannot concur. Drunken destruction is an occupational hazard for the modern gentleman. Any young philly who would be lucky to have these issues as their most pressing concern.

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