Archive for July, 2008

 
Despite his ability to drive up the markets, stomp out his competitors and swindle his clients, the idea of having an old nine-to-five job baffles the gentleman. Why report to the cube farm when any true gentleman knows that real work is only accomplished in the bar, the bedroom of another man’s wife and the [...]

 

Though Larry King’s neckties, suspenders and perfectly coiffed helmet haircut suggest he is indeed a gentleman, the talk show host’s interviews with strumpets like Paris Hilton and on-air fumbles with comedic giants such as Jerry Seinfeld have always made us feel uneasy toward his prowess in all areas gentlemanly. Well, let us be the first [...]

 

When a gentleman moves into a new apartment or mansion or yacht, one of the first orders of business is to decorate the place with fabulous works of fine art. Sometimes, the Degas ballerinas or Warhol prints or David Ornica six-foot-by-four-foot portraits of naked women are hard to come by, and a gentleman will be [...]

 

 
After a rigorous evening spent running the gamut of bars, beverages and bathroom stalls (inhabited to sample a multitude of South American exports), even the most experienced gentlelady will falter on her quest to the ultimate goal: engaging in early-morning, unsatisfactory sex with a severely hungover and mostly flaccid gentleman. In such scenarios, it is [...]

 

During a massive Earthquake, when the horizon shifts and the bridges turn to elastic noodles, most people will quickly begin losing their minds, crying and screaming in terror, diving under their desks or door frames and hugging various stuffed animals. However, you won’t find the gentleman clucking about like a headless chicken. Rather, the gentleman [...]

 

Gentleman Mug Shots #2

July 29th, 2008

Just when wedding guests thought this All American photo couldn’t get anymore classy, a fully-hydrated gentleman seemingly appeared out of nowhere, screaming, surging, stumbling and slobbering as if he’d descended from the heavens above, and added a dollop of his supreme gentlemaness to the portrait’s background. Spectacular!

 

 

 
With so much stress ruling his day-to-day affairs, it’s absolutely paramount that a gentleman blow off some steam every now and again. Thus it behooves urban planners and city hall officials to scatter happy ending massage parlors throughout town. If they don’t, they risk gentlemen combusting, which would reduce their fair city to a smoldering [...]

 

While public defecation is certainly a vile, lewd and unsanitary act when derived from the anus of a common man, when originating from the bowels of a gentleman it becomes nothing short of an art form. Since he exists on a higher plane of class and consciousness, and has nothing but contempt shored up for [...]

 

When the heat of the summer turns up, a gentleman calls upon his delicious friends Oyster and Vodka to get together and cool things down. Never mind the bullshit about avoiding Oyster during the months not ending in “R”, because we all know that Oyster wants to hang with gentleman all the time, especially in [...]

 

A gentleman always puts his family first. Home is where the heart is, and that’s why the gentleman must sometimes retire to his parents suburban basement for a fortnight or more when the IRS is breathing down his neck and his ex is demanding overdue child support payments. In return for their hospitality, a gentleman [...]