the foggy monocle

A Gentleman Knows When To Curse

 

It’s no mystery that gentlemen don’t mince words. Honorable by nature, a gentleman knows that talk is cheap, and would much prefer to settle a score by a duel, for this is the only way to truly attain satisfaction! Moreover, a gentleman detests foul language. And yet, there are those rare times when even a gentleman finds himself in need of a most cutting and crass curse. Typically, the impetus for such an occasion is when dealing with an erratic and out of line female, i.e. one that refuses to engage in a romantic liaison with the gentleman. Under such rare circumstances, it is vital that a gentleman abandons all sense of chivalry (however innate it is) and swiftly resorts to the vilest vernacular that comes to mind. 

 

FoulMouthMan: I try to be perfect, its just not that easy

DaintyLady: Try harder

FoulMouthMan: you’re a bitch

DaintyLady: Thanks

DaintyLady: Queen bitch?

DaintyLady: I wanna be number one bitch

FoulMouthMan: overall?

DaintyLady: Yes

FoulMouthMan: that could be Cunt status

FoulMouthMan: i dont know if you want to venture in that territory

DaintyLady: Noooo

DaintyLady: Ha that night w josie

FoulMouthMan: hahaha so funny

FoulMouthMan: i think women blow that word way outa proportion

FoulMouthMan: if we were in the U.K. it would be common place

DaintyLady: I love the word cunt

DaintyLady: You can call me a cunt whenever

DaintyLady: Its like saying I love you right?

FoulMouthMan: exactly…i really like using it as a verb or a descriptive adjective….like “cunty”

DaintyLady: But really that word never bothered me

FoulMouthMan: but i called josie a cunt bc she implied i wanted to fuck her that night….and it was out of line

DaintyLady: Ha

FoulMouthMan: the only reason I would want to fuck her is to make up for my lackluster performance last time…but I am over that

DaintyLady: Haha

DaintyLady: Yeah yeah

FoulMouthMan: yea yea?

FoulMouthMan: like you don’t believe me do you?

DaintyLady: No I do

DaintyLady: I was saying yeah yeah for the lackluster

DaintyLady: You guys were wasted

FoulMouthMan: YUP

DaintyLady: I’m shocked you didn’t fuck for that reason alone

FoulMouthMan: and that would have been the only reason…anyway…end of story

FoulMouthMan: fucking and josie will never ever cross my mind again at all

FoulMouthMan: its best for everyone

FoulMouthMan: especially me

DaintyLady: hey, whatever helps you get over it, you cunty loser

FoulMouthMan: hahaha

Add comment | May 16th, 2008

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A Gentleman Enjoys Free Lunch

There are a great many holidays penciled into the baby gazelle-skinned agenda book of the modern gentleman, and among the most enjoyable of all these holidays are those that surround the consumption of gratis meals, being that the general maxim of the dining gentleman is “the thriftier, the more delicious.” And nothing is more delicious than a free, quick, fried chicken sandwich from the most popular restaurant on the planet.

CHxBreastMan: dude, free McDonald’s Chx sandwiches today
SlHamDunk: sounds like a breaded slice of heart attack heaven to me
SlHamDunk:: you going?
12:35 PM
CHxBreastMan: this is the american dream, right here
CHxBreastMan: and i’m proud that Ronald, a true patriot, has decided to bring this dream to fruition
CHxBreastMan: “I Has A Dreem”
CHxBreastMan: for one day, all of the nation can be united in fried chicken bliss
SlHamDunk:: i wish it was free cone day at ben and jerry’s too
SlHamDunk:: that would be fucking gourmet
CHxBreastMan: it seemed to be free tits day outside FIT this afternoon. Holy Cow
SlHamDunk:: are you brandishing the old eagle eye, scoping out the office widnow?
SlHamDunk:: are you sitting in the crow’s nest?
12:40 PM
CHxBreastMan: if i was as good at my job as i am spotting great breasts, i probably be richer than Warren Buffet
SlHamDunk:: but who needs money
SlHamDunk:: when it is free chicken sandwich day!
CHxBreastMan: exactly!
CHxBreastMan: speaking of buffet, we should hit Ponderosa some day. Is there one in midtown?

2 comments | May 15th, 2008

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A Gentleman Relies On His Lady-Friend

 

 

Despite his uncontested prowess in all things gentlemanly, a gentleman is occasionally dependent on his lady-friend. Much the enlightened and open minded man of modern times, a gentleman views his female counterpart as an equal, and thus like a superhero crime fighter relying on his trusty sidekick, a gentleman will call upon his sexy lady-friend to pry him out of any pinch or pickle. For instance, should a gentleman’s luxurious limousine fail to start on a cold winter’s morning, he will use his lady friend like a set of jumper cables…a set of jumper cables that will later engage in pussycat-like sex with him, that is.

 

LadyFriendSideKick: so Gabe is ABSURD

LadyFriendSideKick: liiiiike

InspectorGentleman: what happened?

LadyFriendSideKick: i dont EVEN know about my life

LadyFriendSideKick: well this morning WHEN HE LEFT

LadyFriendSideKick: his car wouldnt start

InspectorGentleman: hahaha

LadyFriendSideKick: SOOOOOOO

LadyFriendSideKick: he pushed it DOWN RUTLEDGE with his fedora on

and i had to put my foot all the way down on the clutch

8:10 PM InspectorGentleman: haha

InspectorGentleman: im dying

LadyFriendSideKick: and turn it on while he was pushing it

InspectorGentleman: what were u wearing?

LadyFriendSideKick: BATHROBE

LadyFriendSideKick: and i could see him FURIOUS in the rearviewmirror

InspectorGentleman: what time was this at?

InspectorGentleman: and did neighbors see?

LadyFriendSideKick: PROBABLY it was like 8

LadyFriendSideKick: BRIGHT AS DAY

8:11 PM InspectorGentleman: that’s horrible

LadyFriendSideKick: i had to hop out of the car while it was STILL MOVING

LadyFriendSideKick: and he hopped in and drove away

InspectorGentleman: stop i cant handle this

InspectorGentleman: so no goodbye kiss?

LadyFriendSideKick: it’s pretty pretty bad

8:12 PM

InspectorGentleman: ridiculous

InspectorGentleman: how many xannis did u take today

8:13 PM

LadyFriendSideKick: 4

LadyFriendSideKick: BARS

Add comment | May 14th, 2008

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A Gentleman Deserves A Break

 

 

 

Of the vacation variety. Preferably, of the international variety too. It’s no secret that gentlemen work hard — between boardroom blowouts, whiskey tastings, steak lunches, steak dinners, after dinner aperitifs, cabs crisscrossing town to visit various ladies, its a miracle he even finds time to stumble home for a benevolent roll in the sack with his wife, let alone provide for his slew of illegitimate children. But true to form, a gentleman does it all, without ever breaking a sweat or uttering a complaint. Thus it is up to a gentleman’s fellow gentleman to make sure this humble and tireless warrior’s crusade does not go unrewarded. Occasionally, a vacation must be planned, so that a gentleman may cruise out to the lawless realm of international waters and truly live life to the fullest.

 

TravelAgent: So heres how its going to go down

ReluctantRendezVouser: lets hear this

TravelAgent: Youre going to release this confidential information to the media…close your eyes and click “purchase tickets”

TravelAgent: Then theres no going back

TravelAgent: Pro: You get to spend a solid week with the majority of your closest friends

ReluctantRendezVouser: a drunken week

TravelAgent: Pro: Breakfast beers

TravelAgent: Pro: Lunch beers

TravelAgent: Pro: Dinner beers

ReluctantRendezVouser: midmorning beers?

TravelAgent: Con:  Massive, soul crushing hangovers

ReluctantRendezVouser: beers at dusk?

TravelAgent: Pro: Hair of the dog

TravelAgent: Pro: Airplane beers

TravelAgent: Pro: Beach beers

TravelAgent: Con: Massive, soul crushing sun burn after passing out on the beach

TravelAgent: Pro:  Wiffel beers

ReluctantRendezVouser: waaaait

ReluctantRendezVouser: wiffle beers?

TravelAgent: Wiffle beers…its like wiffel ball except drunker and more violent

TravelAgent: For example - the 1st inning is the beer inning

TravelAgent: In fact, every inning is the beer inning

TravelAgent: Pro:  “No questions asked” cruise to international waters

TravelAgent: Con: Massive, soul crushing shame after sex with donkey

ReluctantRendezVouser: i dont know, some of these cons…

ReluctantRendezVouser: i mean

ReluctantRendezVouser: soul demolishing cons

TravelAgent: Seems like there are a lot more pro’s than con’s

ReluctantRendezVouser: the cons though

ReluctantRendezVouser: did you see them?

ReluctantRendezVouser: SOUL CRUSHING!

ReluctantRendezVouser: MASSIVE

ReluctantRendezVouser: DONKEY SEX

TravelAgent: Yeah…but, you know. Things happen when youre shit shacked for a week straight

TravelAgent: Pro:  I wont puke on you intentionally if you come

TravelAgent: Con:  I will shit on your pillow….intentionally.

ReluctantRendezVouser: son of a….

TravelAgent: Yeah

ReluctantRendezVouser: how am i supposed to decide between that

TravelAgent: I know, its like choosing between saying “fresh” and “fly”

TravelAgent: Or like having to chose between sleeping with a really really fat girl or having your balls chewed off by a raccoon at your grandmothers funeral.

ReluctantRendezVouser:  awful.

1 comment | May 14th, 2008

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A Gentleman Witnesses a Vomiting, and an Arrest

Occasionally, a gentleman will find himself significantly liquored, penniless, alone and amused while awaiting the silver chariot to deliver him to his abode. On such occasion, the gentleman will sometimes witness crude atrocities of other lesser gentlemen, which may include embarrassing displays of public vomiting and subsequent arrest. And while observing these instances may elicit a sense of schadenfreude in the gentleman heart, it’s always important to remember the laws of the land that keep our great society together: you can puke, and you can pass out, but you just can’t get caught doing it.

SubwayMan: i thought there were some hot chicks there last night
SubwayMan: were there hot chicks at the other bar?
SubwayMan: that you noticed before passing out?
DudeMan: Can’t say for sure…
SubwayMan: i saw some dude get arrested on the subway last night for being drunk, puking on his shoes, and passing out
SubwayMan: then he was pleading with the cop to let him go. the cop was being a dick
SubwayMan: then i saw this other girl at another stop talking to her friend, and looking at at ticket fine, saying “well goddamn, i won’t be falling asleep on the platform anymore!”
SubwayMan: so i guess that’s against the law now or something
DudeMan: do those rules apply in yellow cabs?

Add comment | May 13th, 2008

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A Gentleman Does Not Succumb To Peer Pressure

 

Now some of you might exclaim, “Aha! Certainly, for a gentleman always places confidence in the path he has chosen and does not seek the consultation of others.” We regret to inform you, kind sirs, that you are gravely wrong. The correct answer is quite simple. A gentleman does not buckle under peer pressure because he has no peers. Remember, a gentleman sits comfortably in a class of his own!

 

me: howd the marathon go funky fresh?

Sent at 9:50 AM on Friday

RunningMan: I am an animal

did you see?

Sent at 9:51 AM on Friday

me: i saw that….the look of sheer determination on your face was revitalizing

RunningMan: its better than crack…how are you looking these days?

me: like a got slapped in the face with a cheese sandwich

i’d describe myself as a “fatty boom batty”

Sent at 9:58 AM on Friday

RunningMan: you’re joking?

what happened to the jumping jacks?

Sent at 10:01 AM on Friday

me: switched over to flap jacks instead

figured id choose the route with more syrup

no brainer

Sent at 10:03 AM on Friday

RunningMan: u want to come train for the next marathon with me?

me: you should run for president

and i mean run in the forest gump sense

STRAIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE MY MAN

RunningMan: back handed compliment?

maybe?

me: whatever do you mean

RunningMan: listen guy, im not a fan of your tone

you got a lot of gumption

me: dont i know it

Add comment | May 13th, 2008

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A Gentleman Always Writes A Thank You Note

 

Just because a gentleman is accustomed to the warmth and hospitality of everyone he meets, doesn’t mean he takes such generosity for granted. Schooled from a young age in the ancient arts of the gentleman, a fully matured gentleman at the height of his powers will draft a thank you note much like he did as a child with his dear mum looking over his prepubescent shoulder. Carefully choosing his words, he will eloquently notify his hosts of how delightful it was seeinng them, and his hosts, in turn, will be happy, for there is no greater pleasure in life than pleasing a gentleman.

 

From: A Grateful Gentleman

To: Chicago Hosts

Date: Mon, Oct 18, 2004 at 9:48 AM

Subject: Weekend

 

Jamologists,

 

Thanks for having me this weekend. I had a fuckin’ awesome time partying, cruising Chicago and celebrating the chief man’s birthday.

 

2 Things:

 

-Is Brenden still looking for his keys? I dropped them after he threw them to me.

 

-Mike, somewhere between Chicago and NY, whilst cruising at 30,000 ft and sipping a complimentary beverage, I remembered that after i made out and fingered your ex girlfriend on your couch, I escorted her out of the house to get a cab and slapped her ass right before she got inside the car.

 

I love you all.

Add comment | May 13th, 2008

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A Gentleman’s Home Is His Castle

 

But just because his urban Shangri La is constructed of fine marble, the oldest gold, upholstered with the finest oriental fabrics and shared with his nubile princess, does not mean the gentleman is chained to his 85,000 square foot abode. Good, God no! Constantly on the move, and fueled by blood instilled with an ancient, hunter-gatherer spirit, a gentleman’s domain is wherever he chooses to roam. Furthermore, in a sleepless city like New York, a gentleman belongs to the night, and thus any lucky lady blessed with the rare honor of cohabitating with a gentleman must remember that his wanderlust cannot simply be quelled. If she cannot accept his right to go out carousing for a fortnight at a time, she should simply move on to another man…though we warn her, she’ll be hard-pressed to find another of the gentle variety.

 

RealtyMan: dude, another 1 bedroom opened up in my new building in LIC if you are interested - don’t know the price.

RealtyMan: I was there this weekend — will forward you pictures

NomadicMan: jesus. place looks awesome.

RealtyMan: yeah, I’m psyched

RealtyMan: unfortunately I do not have pictures of all the tail that was running around there

NomadicMan: hahaha

NomadicMan: jess moved her stuff out this weekend. probably because i never made it home on saturday night. hrm.

RealtyMan: I mean, you guys weren’t actually living together right?  She had her own place

NomadicMan: oh, yeah, i say “moved” colloquially.

RealtyMan: yeah, so it’s not like this came out of left field

NomadicMan: was supposed to hang out with her yesterday and basically dodged it because i was busy rooftop drinking with the girl i took home on saturday from the rusty knot.

RealtyMan: nice. she’s gotta know that’s how a playa rolls

NomadicMan: yeah. i woke up this morning dreaming  (or so i thought) about vag.

NomadicMan: turned out i was just smelling my own finger.

RealtyMan: hahaha…hilarious and gross

NomadicMan: i have my moments.

NomadicMan: she was actually a friend’s roommate.

RealtyMan: nothing wrong with that

NomadicMan: went out with a bunch of people early on saturday to a show on the LES after having started drinking at 4:30 at the stone street oyster festival.

NomadicMan: swung by another buddy’s birthday before winding up at local 138 on my way to getting blacked out drunk.

NomadicMan: split with them and met up with the friend, her roommate, and another friend who just moved here over at the knot.

NomadicMan: maybe made it an hour before i went home with her.

NomadicMan: she’s fun and has a ridiculous body.

NomadicMan: spent the entire day yesterday drinking beer on her roof and flirting with the scantily clad ladies sunning themselves.

NomadicMan: somehow managed to lose my cell phone.

NomadicMan: was apparently so tanked by about midnight that they couldn’t move me off the couch.

NomadicMan: woke up around 4 in the morning wearing, like, a tracksuit i’d borrowed from her.

NomadicMan: had to cab it home this morning around 8:30 to change and make it to work.

RealtyMan: hahaha, sounds like an A+ weekend to me

NomadicMan: absolutely. i’m assuming my cell phone will turn up wherever they find my shame.

RealtyMan: hopefully it won’t be there - you may need a gynecologist to get it out.

Add comment | May 12th, 2008

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A Gentleman Knows How To Speak To A Lady

 

…especially if that lady is his coworker. Though a gentleman spends most of his days making business over martinis at the Four Seasons, guffawing, carrying on and regaling his fellow gentleman, he fully understands that when coming back into his office he must moderate his tone around female coworkers. A gentleman is aware of his female counterparts delicacy – for he has tasted it many a time! – and would never want to offend them with too much crassness and vulgarity – that would simply be too much gentlemeness for these dainty creatures to handle! Furthermore, a gentleman enjoys the company of womenfolk and knows exactly what their innocent ears desire to hear. Remember, a gentleman is an audible Hallmark card.

 

Monday Morning

AnecdoteMan(10:17:14 AM): I haven’t shit since Friday

FemaleEditor (10:17:27 AM): wrong person?

AnecdoteMan (10:17:32 AM): yes

AnecdoteMan (10:17:34 AM): woops

AnecdoteMan (10:17:42 AM): i was in a BBQ and beer drinking competition on Saturday

AnecdoteMan (10:17:47 AM): getting a bit worried

AnecdoteMan (10:17:55 AM): tmi?

FemaleEditor (10:18:27 AM): yep

FemaleEditor signed off at 10:18:30 AM

Add comment | May 12th, 2008

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A Gentleman Is Potent

 

Aside from his intellect and wallet, a gentleman’s seed is the most powerful thing on earth. American gentlemen impregnated the Soviet Union with capitalism much like Tom Brady knocked up Bridget Moynahan before leaving her for Giselle (aha, checkmate!); spreading his seed is a tried and trusted gentleman tradition, written in gentleman lore and passed down through generations of gentlemen. However, though this impregnation prowess does  the world a great service by passing on the gentleman’s genes (thus assuring future generations of Nobel Prize winners, scientists, honorary degree holders, military tacticians and underground sex ring operators), it also puts the gentleman in question in a bit of a pickle: Should he curb his supreme sexual lust and ability to bed down countless classy ladies so that he not risk producing more offspring that he cannot possibly find time to “spend time with,” let alone financially support? This, fellow gentlemen, is a question for the ages…

 

Gyro (10:08:45 AM): we should get trixie the stripper to come out with us

Gyro (10:09:05 AM): I love trixie as if she was family

Souvlaki (10:09:20 AM): how nice, you should tell her that

Gyro (10:09:30 AM): ok

Gyro (10:09:38 AM): I will if I get the chance

Gyro (10:09:48 AM): and am drunk enough

Souvlaki (10:09:52 AM): say something like, “I love you like a sister…that I wanna bang real bad.”

Souvlaki (10:10:05 AM): that should go over huge

Gyro (10:14:40 AM): I wonder how many different girls have made me nut in my pants

Gyro (10:14:46 AM): the numbers are staggering

Gyro (10:14:56 AM): I mean it must be in the hundreds

Souvlaki (10:15:29 AM): not really something I want to ponder frankly

Gyro (10:15:42 AM): it is 3 not including my girlfriend in the last 5 days

Souvlaki (10:15:53 AM): wow

Souvlaki (10:15:55 AM): staggering

Gyro (10:16:05 AM): isn’t it unreal?

Souvlaki (10:16:10 AM): yes

Gyro (10:16:20 AM): I mean it could well be in the multiple hundreds zone

Souvlaki (10:16:43 AM): I wouldn’t doubt you

Gyro (10:16:57 AM): I would say 1 a week on average from the time I was 20

Gyro (10:17:04 AM): so you figure 13 years

Gyro (10:17:08 AM): times 52

Gyro (10:17:15 AM): 676

Gyro (10:17:28 AM): nah

Gyro (10:17:29 AM): less

Souvlaki (10:17:30 AM): no way one per week

Gyro (10:17:41 AM): did 3 in the last 5 days

Gyro (10:17:45 AM): and it wasn’t like a crazy week

Souvlaki (10:17:47 AM): you bust more than one nut each time you’re in the club?

Gyro (10:17:58 AM): twice on Saturday

Gyro (10:18:04 AM): sometime 3 if I get really crazy

Souvlaki (10:18:04 AM): wow

Souvlaki (10:18:07 AM): that’s filthy

Gyro (10:18:13 AM): yea

Gyro (10:18:16 AM): pretty gross

Souvlaki (10:18:28 AM): so you’re busting multiple times in your pants

Gyro (10:18:32 AM): yea

Souvlaki (10:18:33 AM): never cleaning up from the time before?

Gyro (10:18:42 AM): nope

Souvlaki (10:18:52 AM): just sitting and standing in liquid babies  the whole time?

Gyro (10:19:01 AM): hahaha

Gyro (10:19:04 AM): liquid babies

Souvlaki (10:20:14 AM): seriously…one girl could catch whatever STD’s you’re carrying just through your pants

Gyro (10:20:25 AM): ha

Souvlaki (10:20:32 AM): that makes my germ phobe-o-meter bounce off the rev limiter

Souvlaki (10:20:50 AM): you could almost impregnate a girl with out any skin to skin contact

Gyro (10:20:58 AM): that would be awesome

Souvlaki (10:21:17 AM): imagine a little Greek, pumpkin faced mutant running around the strip club

Souvlaki (10:21:25 AM): ohh my

Souvlaki (10:21:36 AM): that’s so disturbing

Souvlaki (10:22:02 AM): a fully mutated life form, that exists only on terrible tasting chicken wings and floaters

Gyro (10:22:12 AM): ha

Souvlaki (10:22:30 AM): a little elf-like chud

Gyro (10:22:37 AM): hahahaha

Souvlaki (10:22:50 AM): wearing old, stained, free t-shirts with malt liquor slogans on them

Souvlaki (10:23:06 AM): he probably mops up the men’s room

Gyro (10:23:10 AM): hahahah

Gyro (10:23:15 AM): that’s my boy

 

 

1 comment | May 9th, 2008

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