The quest for world domination can be approached in a variety of different methods. Politicians tend to apply the more economic pressures of tariffing and embargoing, whereas blood thirsty war lords like to approach the goal with weapons stockpiles and warfare threats. A gentleman, on the other hand, knows that to truly dominate the people of the earth, he simply needs to dance into their very souls and set up shop catering to man’s most innate desires, which seem to be a simple trinity of carnal pleasures, the motivation to nullify the brain through intoxication, and the basic deliciousness of food. In the below case, this gentleman prefers to focus on the latter, and walks through some logic on how he might become supreme ruler of the Earth assisted only with the luxuries of time travel.

OnceandFutureChef: if you could fuck around with a time machine
OnceandFutureChef: would you go into the future? or into the past?
OnceandFutureChef: (you can only go in one direction)
OnceandFutureChef: for instance, you could go to the future and just be shocked at all the new technology… but, you could go into the past and shock everyone else with your own knowledge of technology and shit
DizzyWizzard : definitely the past
DizzyWizzard : but not too far back where i have to compromise comfort
DizzyWizzard : id like to go far enough back where i’d be the shit with all my gizmos, but not too far back where shit sucks
DizzyWizzard : like i dont want to deal with the plague
OnceandFutureChef: i would def go to the dark ages
OnceandFutureChef: i’d “invent” things like pizza and donuts
OnceandFutureChef: become the head chef and confidante of the king and use him as my puppet for power
OnceandFutureChef: if i went into the future i would be a cave man
DizzyWizzard : hahaha
OnceandFutureChef: wouldn’t know how to work the telepathy machines
OnceandFutureChef: it would suck
DizzyWizzard : so you would go back in time and invent donuts
OnceandFutureChef: yeah, just be some super wise wizard, inventing the most delicious shit
OnceandFutureChef: hell i don’t think hamburgers were “invented” until the 50s
DizzyWizzard : invent alcohol
OnceandFutureChef: i think alcohol has been around since the dinosaurs
OnceandFutureChef: Neanderthals fermenting hooch in brontosaurus skulls and stuff. So that wouldn’t work
DizzyWizzard : you’re insane
DizzyWizzard : i like how being a chef would make you the most powerful dude in the realm Continue reading »

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A gentleman takes his sartorial getup very seriously, often times placing an equal amount of importance on his appearance as he does the business at hand. Indeed, maintaining complete composure is a top priority, and he’ll allow neither hell nor high water to compromise his fashionable digs regardless of the circumstances.  His pant leg’s pleat will remain crisp while leading the charge atop his steed in battles, his ascot’s knot will remain fashionably fastened at high speed while whipping around Monte Carlo in illegal drag races, and his shirt’s ruffles will  properly aerate his untamed chest hairs while fishing off his yacht in the fiercest of tempests. No amount of sweat or blood or hemorrhoid runoff or premature ejaculation will compromise the gentleman’s commitment to supreme elegance in appearance, lest he be mistaken for an unsavvy simpleton.

SartorialSir: so
SartorialSir: i shit my pants this weekend
Sent at 11:35 AM on Monday
J.C.Pennyman:  hahaha. what happened?
J.C.Pennyman: was it sat night during your odyssey of indulgence? (I was living vicariously through your twitter updates while making dinner with Sarah*)
SartorialSir: Yes
SartorialSir: Went to Roberta’s for dinner
SartorialSir: Decided to get real drunk. gin, of course
SartorialSir: then some party at The Woods bar
SartorialSir: beers and shots of whiskey
SartorialSir: then The Gutter for gin again, and more whiskey
SartorialSir: then some house party to meet up with Davidson and some other dudes
SartorialSir: where i grabbed an entire bottle and started drinking out of it
SartorialSir: i was wasted, dancing around like a maniac headbanging (there is video) – me and some dude with a peg leg were thrashing
J.C.Pennyman: haha why did he have a peg leg?
SartorialSir: who fucking knows. Continue reading »

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Now the ill informed would argue that once a gentleman becomes a father, his gentleman years—an infinite domino effect of dazzlement, debauchery, and drinking with utter abandon—are behind him. Well, think again, dear reader. Sure, the normally courageous gentleman will run for cover faster than a terrorist in a shit storm at the very mention of child support payments and carpooling schedules; but that doesn’t mean the gentleman is incapable of being a mentor in a young child’s life while still fully committing himself to his fabulous lifestyle. A gent is, after all, a multitasker. And so, like an ambidextrous circus clown juggling eight bottles of moonshine and one whining child, the gentleman tackles fatherhood and drinking simultaneously. Care to add a unicycle to his impressive array of staggering feats? Rest assured, the gentleman can handle it!

JerzySure: what did you do last night?
Drinkin’Bud: my friend Ken* was in NJ from Atlanta, staying at that new W hotel in hoboken
JerzySure: isnt he going thru a divorce?
Drinkin’Bud: they were, but they’re trying to work things out, counciling, Ken curbing his drinking etc.
JerzySure: was he by himself?
Drinkin’Bud: no, his wife and baby daughter were with him
JerzySure: got it
Drinkin’Bud: so me and a few friends get there around 8:30 and his wife makes it real clear that they have an early flight in the moring and that he needed to take it easy
JerzySure: what time is the flight?
Drinkin’Bud: 8am newark
JerzySure: makes sense
Drinkin’Bud: we all have a few drinks, catch up – very smooth
Drinkin’Bud: then its time for the kid to go to bed, we say goodnight to his wife, and Ken escorts her upstairs to tuck her in and, in the process i guess, tells her he’s coming back down for “just one last drink”
JerzySure: haha famous last words Continue reading »

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A Gentlelady Is Hard To Spot

January 7th, 2010

A gentleman is always looking for his mirror image in female form; a woman cut from the same silk cloth as he himself: The gentlelady. But in this day and age of posturing and prudishness, what qualities truly make the gentlelady stand out? Is it her dainty laugh? The size of her dowry? The number of suitors vying for her favor? While there is never a tell tale sign identifying members of this rare breed, you can bet your bottom dollar that if the woman in question eloquently refers to sexual intercourse as “doing it,” enjoys blackout-inducing levels of drinking and will only humble herself to hang her head when vomiting into her ex’s toilet (no doubt the porcelain thrown of a gentleman!), she is, indeed, a lady of the gentlest variety.

VicariousVixen: WTF!! What happened last night! And why haven’t you responded to my texts??
RogueDame: hiiii sorry! i’ve been super emo today. i slept with the Ex last night.
VicariousVixen: omg
RogueDame: i was so, so, so drunk. don’t remember doing it with him.
VicariousVixen: holyyyysmokesssss
RogueDame: hahahaa
VicariousVixen: wait wait need more info please.
RogueDame: i don’t really remember! he was exactly the same. we had a great time.
RogueDame: he said i was being really funny. that when we were doing it i kept getting on top and stopping and saying, DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS?!?!
VicariousVixen: SHUTTHEFRONTDOOR.SLAM IT!!! bahahahahahah
RogueDame: and i slapped him
VicariousVixen: how did that go over??
RogueDame: he liked it
RogueDame: although he said this morning that it really hurt
RogueDame: but not as bad as when he spanked me. BAHAHAAAAAA
VicariousVixen: hahaha you MANHANDLED HIM!!!
RogueDame: i let him know who’s boss
RogueDame: then spent the morning in his bathroom, throwing up beet salad and tequila
VicariousVixen: hot. mess.

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The snowy landscape of the gentleman’s metropolitan wilderness can be rife with peril; thus when traipsing about from watering hole to watering hole in the dark of the evening, a gentleman must be constantly aware of all animals lurking in the shadows, and rely on his superior survival instincts to guide him. By keeping the blood warm with healthy spirits and reckless dance moves, the gentleman is able to stave off frostbite, while his generous spending habits will always keep him out of trouble and into stimulants to stay awake. But perhaps most of all, he must keep his one open eye constantly on the lookout for the sight of the elusive and mythical creature, the most famous of all catches: the Cougar. Staggering as if to purport a wound and wafting the scent of gin and tobacco, the Cougar will hone in on the gentleman and seize the opportunity to execute its famous takedown maneuver. The gentleman will accept the invitation, as is the way of the wild.

UrbanFrontiersman: Christmas party last night… I want to die right now
Pioneerman: hahahah. i am struggling as well
Pioneerman: i was supposed to pack for my flight home but had 3 jameson/baileys
instead
UrbanFrontiersman: i went home with a 39 year old secretary last night, divorced
with three kids
Pioneerman: hahahahah!! please elaborate on your venture last night
UrbanFrontiersman: so christmas party. its at this nice restaurant
UrbanFrontiersman: who cares right?
UrbanFrontiersman: but there is an open bar. so I just start housing IPAs, wine, etc…  must have had ten drinks
UrbanFrontiersman: so I notice this one girl is getting wasted, and I invite her and a bunch of other people to go to the bar
UrbanFrontiersman: we go to the bar, more cocktails. we’re all dancing, and she is like grinding on everyone
UrbanFrontiersman: after some pensive cogitation i said fuck it and went for it
UrbanFrontiersman: I end up making out with her, and take her back to my place…
UrbanFrontiersman: Best quote of the night… when i say wait, lets get a condom she replies “Don’t worry, i’m clean and too old to get pregnant”
Pioneerman: oh my god
Pioneerman: hhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Pioneerman: please give me three adjectives how you would best describe your
state of mind right now
UrbanFrontiersman: fucked, drunk, temporarily employed
Pioneerman: hahahahahahaha

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Like a flamboyant zen master dastardly stroking his Fu Manchu mustache, a gentleman wills every elegant evening of drinking into existence by first envisioning it in his mind’s eye. However, remembering said evening—from the very first pinky-raised sip of his very first sensible cocktail to the moment just before he belly flops onto the barroom floor, moaning and bellowing and clawing and generally laying waste to everything in his path like a tranquilized Grizzly Bear—proves a far more difficult task the following day. No matter, we say! Our hero has earned himself the right to blackout and transform into a one-man time machine every now and again, and if the bartender should choose to present buybacks to the gentleman and his colleague like major awards for their supreme regalitude, such beastly behavior can hardly be considered the fault of the gentleman alone.

GrizzlyBear: what happened?
GrizzlyBear: i mean WHAT HAPPENED?
ZooKeeper: haha i have no clue
GrizzlyBear: you black out too?
ZooKeeper: yes
GrizzlyBear: i am fucking hammered and still in my clothes from last night
GrizzlyBear: a shell of a man
ZooKeeper: hahaahahaha
GrizzlyBear: all i remember is one minute we’re casually drinking gin and tonics at the bar
GrizzlyBear: pausing from sipping our drinks to nibble on peanuts and to graciously thank the bartender for another generous buyback
GrizzlyBear: and the next i’m back in manhattan and getting berated by my cab driver, who is screaming “get the fuck out my cab muthafucka!” Continue reading »

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Gentlemen Work as a Team

January 4th, 2010


While it is a given fact that one gentleman is always a welcomed addition to any festive gala, the enchantment can only be enriched with a plethora of gentlemen on the scene to help gesticulate the night into order. Indeed, there is no “I” in Team, but there are important “I’s” in Inebriation and Intoxication, and gentlemen will often have to work together toward the common good in order to accomplish these critical goals. Working in tandem, the team of gents will astonish onlookers in daring eating feats, will take turns holding the solid gold funnel high for the fellow man, will execute fearless trust falls and will at last help each other piece together the actions of the epic evening for the ever important historical record.

On Dec 13, 2009, at 2:48 PM, Holiday Gent wrote:
Dudes, I am just now arising. Holy fuck. We need to chill the fuck down. What are u assholes doing today?

On Dec 13, 2009 at 3:19 PM, Festive Gent wrote:
In crowded Trader Joe’s … about to have total meltdown

On Dec 13, 2009, at 3:45 PM, Merry Gent wrote:
Hahaha. Cause of the babes or how shitty u feel?

On Dec 13, 2009, at 3:46 PM, Holiday Gent wrote:
Hahahaha what an awesome night

On Dec 13, 2009 at 4:03 PM, Festive Gent wrote:
problem #1 I have 4 fucking big containers of soggy onion rings, apparently from Delta’s, in my fridge and my arteries are starting to look like the Carlsbad Caverns. Do you guys want/need any of this shit?
problem #2 apparently i was refused service at Black’s Bar
problem #3 i blacked out drinking beer around 9pm at Delta’s

thanks for coming. i’m not drinking anymore in 2009, twitter dat

On Dec 13, 2009, at 4:35 PM, Cheerful Gent wrote:
Did we go to Harry’s Bar and if so what happened there? That was a serious party. Did anything bad happen? I feel like something bad happened. I woke up at 8 this morning fully clothed on the couch.

On Sun, Dec 13, 2009 at 4:55 PM, Festive Gent wrote:
We did go to Harry’s, you asked for 2 glasses of water and then left, or so I’m told, I don’t remember anything really. I have a suspicion something bad happened but I don’t know what. For some reason I feel like a guilty asshole, although that is probably just the residual whiskey in my veins talking, I don’t think I actually am capable of remorse.

On Dec 13, 2009, at 7:57 PM, Cheerful Gent wrote:
I’m sitting here eating old halloween candy trying to tolerate my own stench. I know I got a sandwich late night.

On Dec 13, 2009, at 8:34 PM, Merry Gent wrote:
I have been in a Kafkaesque hell all morning dropping off Jenn at Midway Airport. Ready to turn the juice back on though.

On Dec 13, 2009, at 8:35 PM, Merry Gent wrote:
What I meant to say was that I am heading home and pressing play on Tom Berenger’s “Sniper” pretty soon if you want to come over and watch it with me

On Dec 13, 2009, at 8:45 PM Cheerful Gent wrote:
I just puked up the candy shit. I want to be sniped right now

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Since The Foggy Monocle has long been devoted to helping gentlemen and gentleladies everywhere piece together their sordid, booze soaked evenings, it must come as no surprise to learn that we’re big fans of The Hangover. We’re sure all of you are too. So if you can’t get enough of Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis’ zany, day-after antics, head on over to National Hangover Day on January 1st to feel a little better about whatever horrible sins you committed the night prior by watching The Hangover online. You can even win a trip to Las Vegas, horray! Or you can just send us your best day-after-New-Years chat, email or texts and we’ll award the most gentlemanly submitter with a copy of the DVD. Scout’s honor.

(Full disclosure: We were paid 60 grand in Gentleman’s Bucks to post this.)

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How The Gentleman Stole Christmas

December 21st, 2009

A gentleman is always in high demand, but no more so than during the holidays, when eggnog-swilling guests anticipate his arrival with the giddiness of snot-nosed children awaiting St. Nick. Never one to deprive others of his dazzling presence (or himself of a delicious open bar), the gentleman makes sure to gallivant with redoubled vigor, attending party upon Christmas party, regardless if he was invited or not. However, such a cheer-spreading spree spreads a gentleman very thin indeed, and sometimes he’ll have to take a little personal time out of this selfless schedule to get back to his own state of Zen. Which means, when he isn’t trimming the tree, cooking a goose or installing a nativity scene on his sprawling front lawn, a gentleman can typically be found blacked out at late-night karaoke bars belting out the Holiday hits, hoovering up seasonable stimulants and fraternizing with pants-soiling ruffians (and of course not going to work the following day). Ah the gentleman and his heart-warming antics, ‘tis truly a Christmas miracle!

(Happy Holidays, Ladies and Gents, and consider this one a buy-back for putting up with the lack of updates; we’ll be back in full swing come January.)

RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: OMG
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: dude
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: epic wasted last night
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: its been a while
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: fucking holiday parties
St.Dick: hangover report?
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: well
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i took three of my friends to a colleague’s holiday party, which was at an apt
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: where max drinking was in effect bc that whole company just folded.
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i proceed to get smashed bc hey, why not
St.Dick: oh man
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: and don’t fully recall leaving
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: but, naturally, I decided to get some blow and go do karaoke
St.Dick: stands to reason
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: so i go over to [retracted] til like…4
St.Dick: hahaha
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: and also leave, take a car home, realize i left my keys there, have to go back, blah blah blah
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: i must have been a piece of work when i arrived
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: anyhow
St.Dick: oh my
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: so this morning i wake up and i am like
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: shit, i do not remember leaving colleague’s holiday party
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: so i call a friend i went with
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: and he’s like
RudolphTheRedNosedAlcoholic: you don’t remember why you left? Continue reading »

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A Gentleman Dazzles at a Wedding

September 18th, 2009

wedding-crashers-6

Ahh wedding season! Following the gentleman’s proud display of leadership and courage at the groom’s bachelor party, where he no doubt distinguishly extinguished the gin supply and made charitable donations to the lovely ecdysiasts, a gentleman will attend the main event with gusto and gallantry. While sashaying to the soft rock jams of the band, boomeranging fawning gentladies around the dance floor and exchanging pleasantries with the bride’s family members, a gentleman is also keen to avoid putting cigar burn holes in his favorite fox hair cummerbund or spill his 15th vodka soda as he moves quickly and effortlessly through the gala.

WeddingGent: have you decided to quit drinking after your display at the wedding?
DanceMan: i wasnt aware it was that different from everyone else
WeddingGent: i dont recall ‘everyone else’ fist pumping like they were at a green day concert, jumping around for no reason, high fiving the band, continuously getting turned down to dance by the bride’s mom, and sweating profusely
DanceMan: i guess now that i am sober that does sound stupid
DanceMan: dammit
WeddingGent: yeah it was brutal
WeddingGent: lord knows i was out of it
WeddingGent: in that one picture of you i tagged you can see me accosting a 16 year old in the back ground
DanceMan: hahaha
DanceMan: i just remember dancing for a long time
DanceMan: i have never done that before
WeddingGent: i was sweating my ass off too
DanceMan: and that drunk lib julie kept pulling me back every time i needed a break
WeddingGent: did you french that drunk?
DanceMan: uh…probably
WeddingGent: i love weddings
WeddingGent: i took down a fat chick
WeddingGent: as well as this one…
WeddingGent: http://www.facebook.com/somegentleladie’sprofile
WeddingGent: one on the left
DanceMan: it says i cant view it
DanceMan: wait youre saying 2 chicks hooked up with your unshaven beaten up face?
WeddingGent: three if you count Sonia
WeddingGent: she hooked up with me… the NIGHT after i got hit
DanceMan: good god. whos Sonia
WeddingGent: the one Jameson brought to the wedding hahaha
WeddingGent: God
WeddingGent : fucking adulthood is ruining my life

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